The Monthly Visitor: December 2016 – TimeOutNY, Arkansas, Laphroaig etc

Happy December, friends.

I’m super excited for 2016, it’s going to be a great year! (Even years are historically better for me than odd years.)

I love resolutions. I love the idea that every year, I almost get a clean slate and can try over again, harder, better, more. What do you plan to do differently in 2016? I want Jay-Z money. But that’s my resolution every year.


I was featured in a Laphroaig Whiskey commercial with my family, followed by a show at The Stand also featuring comedian Tommy Pope. They even made a drink named after me! Granny clearly stole the show, see for yourself.

Tampon ornaments will be for sale for a few more days. Get yours on ETSY today! Use code [VISITOR] to get ornaments for $4 each.

Thanks TimeOutNY for featuring me in a recent issue where I got to talk about my theater and music school, The Unicorn! (See the image at the top of this email)

I got to collaborate on a filthy parody song with Lil’ Mikey for The Howard Stern Show! Hear it here.

I recently won “People’s Choice” for performing one of my dirty folk rock songs in Jalopy Theater’s “Filthy Song Night”. Click here to hear the (very dirty) classic dirty folk rock song I performed. (Filmed at Radical Vaudeville last month by Mike Tapp)

Do you love bawdy Christmas carols? I do, I do! You can see our holiday carol group “Gay Apparel” (…don we now our Gay Apparel…) at Union Square Holiday Market next Tuesday from 5:30-6:30. Follow us on Twitter@holidaychoir, or keep in touch on Facebook!

If you DO in fact, love ribald holiday songs, you can also buy my holiday album“Perfect Holidays” on iTunes or listen to my music on Spotify / Pandora.

Catch me on Periscope and Meerkat where I play and make fun of all song requests, do other comedic bits, and sometimes we just talk about life. But it’s always a hoot! Join my growing number of viewers and let’s hang out. Follow me on Twitter @jessicadelfino to be informed of my appearances, streaming, live and beyond.

I offer music lessons! Guitar, ukulele and vocals. Visit for more info and to get started in 2016.


Wed Dec 16
Comedy w/ Margaret Champlain

Legion Bar, BK
8 PM

Tue Dec 22
Gay Apparel Sings!

Union Square, NYC
5:30-6:30 PM

Arkansas area, Dec. 20-Jan 2
Jessica Delfino + Dirty Folk Rock LIVE
Details TBA on Twitter

Monday, Jan 4
Avant Garden @ The Unicorn
Open Mic + Variety Show
105 Henry Street, NYC
sign up 7 PM / show @ 7:30 PM

Friday, Jan 8
Night of Dirty Songs @ The Unicorn
More info TBA

Thanks for your love and support this past year. It means a lot to me. What would I do without you? I just don’t know!

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Hot News: Howard Stern, Tampon Ornaments + The List


Here is a round up of some of the most exciting things going on associated with my comedy and work right now…

There is no better way I can think of to have been woken up this morning than to Howard Stern intro-ing the song “Wackin Off Tonight” that I did with Little Mikey (a regular song parody contributor) on The Howard Stern Show. My heart soared with joy. Finally! A place where I can be my utterly sordid silly self and no one cares, and in fact, it’s even encouraged. I’ve been listening to the Stern Show since I was 19, and to hear my own voice on the show all these years later was a beautiful thing, as nasty as the song may be. You can hear the segment here, on my Soundcloud page.

Keep an eye out for my face in the Nov. 18 issue of Time Out NY. I had a great time with the photographer, David Williams, who came over yesterday and took my photo. He is also a manly cat lover and has an awesome book coming out in Feb called “Men with Cats”.

Next Wednesday, I’ll be performing as part of Wit & Whiskey, an event geared towards sharing a new commercial that was filmed for the holidays, starring myself and my family trying Laphroaig for the first time. It will go live soon and I’ll share the link when it’s up. If you are an area alcohol buyer or a member of the press, email me for an invite. There will be a drink there named The Delfino:

  • 2 oz Laphroaig Select
  • .25 oz Sarsaparilla Syrup
  • 2 dash Angostura
  • rocks glass, Orange twist
Bride and groom kissing amongst rose petals in air, outdoors

Bride and groom kissing amongst rose petals in air, outdoors

I’m performing this 1/2 solo show, 1/2 dating workshop with Kathryn Dunn (comedian, dating coach) and Jianna Heuer (psychiatrist and relationship counselor). The show is about how to manifest the man of your dreams, and talks about my true love story which was featured in New York Times Vows. Tickets are $20 suggested donation, and you can buy them at the door. The event is at 105 Henry Street in Chinatown, downtown NYC. F to East Broadway. You can see more details here.


It’s that time of year again when you can order your holiday tampon ornaments. This adorable and disturbing ornament comes in all different shapes, such as White Santa, Black Santa, Star of David, Snowman, Christmas Tree and many more. You can see more details here or order them on my Etsy page. Want to come buy them from me in person? I’ll be selling them at these places this season:

Wed Nov.  18
Laphroaig’s Wit & Whiskey
By invitation only (email me)
7 PM
Every Tuesday in December
(Dec. 1, 8, 15, 22, probably not the 29th but not sure yet)
Holiday Market @ Union Square, NY, NY
5-7 PM
Sunday Dec. 6
Holiday Market @ St. Vitus, BK, NY
2-6 PM
Sunday, December 13th
Christmas Bazaar @ The Bell House, BK, NY
11am to 6pm
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A Record Breaking, Trash Bag Full of Comedy + Press This Week









This was a big week for comedy and press for me. Last week, I was walking and a shirtless weirdo complimented me and I said thank you but that wasn’t enough—he decided to follow me for a block and then was even emboldened to put his arm around me, not leaving me alone until I told him I am married.

I was livid but kept my composure. I was on Periscope (I broadcast from @jessicadelfino most days around noon and also other times) doing a live stream broadcast, and I didn’t want the viewers to see my nervousness. I calmed down quickly but quipped with viewers about the experience. One suggested it wouldn’t have happened to me if I was “ugly”. I disagreed, saying that I bet a woman could wear a garbage bag around the city and would still get harassed. Another viewer, a friend and fellow Periscoper @GeoffGolberg, suggested I Periscope that, so I did, with a little video help from my pal Bill Scurry.

Once it was all said and done, I wrote about the experience on Mashable and they also posted the video that Bill shot and edited, which was picked up by,, MetroUK and more.







The video now has almost 30k+ views on YouTube, and mixed reviews. Someone called me narcissistic, which I don’t think I am, but if you disagree, but so? Does that mean I deserve to get harassed on the street? Another commenter said I had nice legs, which for some reason didn’t irritate me as much in typed form as it would have if it were sneered into my face as I was trying to go about my busy day.

The other exciting thing that happened was, I had an idea to take an indepth and exaggerated look at being a comedian in NYC by performing as many comedy sets as I could in one night. Bill, my trusty video man and I set out late in the afternoon on Thursday September 10th in the rain. I was aiming for 16 comedy sets, and I believe I hit it, but I lost count. Luckily, we got it all on film and will sort through it later. I definitely performed more than 13 sets, which was comedians Steve Byrne’s record set in 2003, which he documented in a great little short called “13 or Bust” (which you can watch for free online) and as far as we know, was the record for most comedy sets performed in one night.11999069_10206200568106313_1864349404740381915_n

Aaron Berg and I, around 13 sets into my night, at Greenwich Village Comedy Club, NYC.
Photo credit: Nicky Sunshine

As I was getting ready for my big night, comedy blogger Sean McCarthy told me that another comedian, Aaron Berg had also been planning to go for the record, and would be attempting it just 2 days after me, on Saturday night. I was gobsmacked. Sean wrote a piece about it on his all things comedy based website, The Comic’s Comic.

Aaron set out to set his set record this past Saturday, and as far as I know, he hit his goal of 20 something sets. Which, never to be outdone, just means I might have to try again in the near future. Congrats Aaron, enjoy it! I may be coming back to reclaim the title at a later date.

In the meantime, I’m the women with the most comedy sets performed in one night in NYC and the person with the most comedy music sets performed in one night in NYC.

Plugs! Plugs! Plugs!

I’ll be performing live this coming weekend Sept 18-21 at Symbiosis Fest (along with the Yes Men and more) in Oakdale, CA [schedule]

Other upcoming show dates are here.

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JD Human Jukebox Periscope

A few weeks ago, I took my “Human Jukebox” jam party to the internet for the first time and I’ve been delighted by the response. Turns out people dig covers, which is why wedding and bar bands are bringing in the big bucks. And I LOVE making fun of covers so it’s a copacetic relationship.

I am lucky (?) to have a crazy good ear; I have an almost photographic memory for music. Any song that I’ve pretty much ever heard on the radio, even just a time or two, I remember. I remember the chords, the lyrics and can figure out how to play it on guitar or ukulele (and sometimes piano, singing saw, etc) with ease. If only there was a way to be the first to monetize this billion dollar industry in the making!

For the past few years, I’ve been honing this nearly useless skill. That’s not true–there are uses to it. For example, who entertains the family at Thanksgiving with ukulele karaoke? This girl. Who uses the skill to help her many music students play songs that she can’t find the chords to line? You’re looking at her [blog]. That’s right. Moi. Who has started doing the Human Jukebox on Periscope for the masses? I did!

I call it “The Human Jukebox” and turns out, it’s super fun, and other people besides my mom and all my aunts enjoy it, too!

Below is a PDF document of all the songs that were requested and many of which were played in today’s episodes of The Human Jukebox on my Periscope feed. There are also some shout outs, rules to the game and more.

Human Jukebox 8.3.15 PART 2

What songs would you have wanted to see get played? Do you want to toss some out? Easy! Follow me on Twitter / Periscope @jessicadelfino and jump on next time. I have been doing Human Jukebox a few times a week because people seem to dig it. I like to do it around lunchtime and around 8 PM. Days vary but I’ll have a schedule up soon.

Catch Human Jukebox LIVE! Check out the calendar at and stop by The Unicorn when the live show is on. I do it every Monday night at around 8:30 PM, and on Periscope a couple times per week. August 16, I’ll be doing a staged version of a related show called “Great American Wrong Book” where I play songs and make fun of them.


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Life Update – WFMU, Jim Gaffigan Show, NY Funny Songs Fest

Life Update art

Hey, person or people reading this. Not hey as in, “Hey!” (note the not all caps)
It’s more hey like, “heeeyyy”. Like the way a stoned cat might say it. Like the Cheshire cat.
Or Garfield after eating a tray of lasagna.

I don’t write on my blog as much as I used to. I’ve gotten more realistic in my older age and it has dawned on me that not as many people are reading this as I pretend are. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to write about what’s going on in my life for the upwards of 7 people who ARE reading it.

Few things: 

– I’m hosting a show on WFMU this coming Monday. Want to call in? Let me know.
– I have been a featured regular extra on the Jim Gaffigan show. That means I have stood near Jim a few times during the filming of his awesome show. I think it’s going to be a hit!
You can watch the first episode here, free.

JD on Gaffigan Show

The NY Funny Songs Fest is rapidly approaching, May 28-30. Tickets are free to $20. This is the 4th year I’ve produced this comedy music festival. I made it to help my friends and I have more places to perform because a lot of comedy clubs are reluctant to book comedic musicians. I put a butt ton of work into it but since I’m kind of a shitty business person, it hasn’t exploded yet. Do you want to advise me? Take over this festival? Let’s talk.

– I think I might be pregnant. More on that later.

OK enjoy your Thursday, everyone! And happy Memorial Day weekend.

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Presenting The Unicorn in Chinatown


I have been performing in NYC for the last 15ish or so years and I love being here! I love the Lower East Side where it meets Chinatown, where I have called home for over the last decade. (I call it Lower East Chinatown.)


I’ve watched it change, and I’ve been part of that change. And now I’m going to be even more of the part of that change. As condos and Starbucks enter the neighborhood at a spectacular rate, I am bringing an indie performance space to the neighborhood and calling it The Unicorn. It is a unique, creative space and there is nothing like it in the area. By day, music lessons, classes and events will take place. At night, performances, readings and shows will happen. Most will have a musical or comedic slant. The space will also be available for rentals.

The Unicorn Card

It is located at 105 Henry Street in a former Chinese bodega that I’ve remodeled, and not to toot my own horn, but it looks amazing. I am having a party on Thursday May 7th, swing by and check the place out. On Saturday May 9th, I’ll have an open house event. Do drop in and sign up for a guitar, ukulele or music lesson, or talk to me about an event that you’d like to produce. Check out our wall of instruments and say hi.


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Job Search Self Sabotage 2015 Edition


Hello everyone. My friend David shared some of my old Job Search Self Sabotage posts on Facebook (from my old blog, Jessy Delfino’s Blog) and I enjoyed reading my own writing so much, I inspired me to write some new ones.

In JSSS, I basically apply for jobs, because that’s what society tells me I should be doing (working) but since I find the responsibility and boringness of most jobs irksome, I make sure that I don’t get hired.

Enjoy this 2015 rendition of Job Search Self Sabotage.

Needed massage lady once or twice a week
please tell me about yourself and your experience
picture would be helpful
compensation: $80 for 90 minutes

Dear Madam:

I’m writing to apply for the position of needed massage lady. I am assuming that you are a madam because you have spelled all the words correctly in this job listing. I know this for a fact, because I painstakingly spell checked each one, which brings me to the job qualifications and experience portion of this email. I’m extremely detail oriented and very good with words from many years of being a secretary. I can type about 83 words per minute and I file folders with a panache and fire that my past employers have described as, “gung ho”.

I make a great pot of coffee, I never forget to water the plants and I even go out of my way to do little things, like bring M&Ms or grab extra lolly pops from my bank to share with my co-workers. Some might describe me as “the perfect employee”.

I live in Connecticut, so I’m not too far from Brooklyn, just about a 2 hour commute, which I can do easily. I’ve mapped out your location and it looks like 2 buses, a train, 2 subways and then a walk ought to cover it. Since I’m 72, I need all the exercise I can get.

I suppose I should mention that I don’t have a lot of massage experience, though when I was younger, my dad used to occasionally demand I rub his back in exchange for room and board, or meals. I hated it because his back was rubbery and my hands are small. Arthritis has taken over in my later years and my grip isn’t what it used to be, though I can still smack the bejesus out of someone if they look at me the wrong way, and I’m not afraid to do it.

As for your rate, I think that $80 for 90 minutes sounds more than fair. I know that in Chinatown, you can get an hour back rub for about $35, so as far as I see it, I’d be taking you for a ride. That’s a figure of speech that basically means that you’d be over paying me. But I didn’t get this far in life by letting people take advantage. After all, this is New York, not Wichita, right?!

Thanks and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Mrs. Tabitha Wilkinsonian

14 year old male that speaks Spanish and Sings (NYC)

compensation: tba

Looking for a 14 year old Spanish speaking boy actor that sings for a paid reading in NYC.
If you are looking for management representation and fill this breakdown, PLEASE email me ASAP with your head shot resume and a sample of your vocals. 

To Whomo It May Concerno:

I amma a 14 year olda spanish a-speaking actor boy who no speaka English too good. Mi madre suggesto I apply for da job because I need to save up el dinero for esquela. I’ve beena practicar my singing and reading since I was a da 2 years old.

What you have just experienced is known as the skill of “acting”. I bet for a minute you were delighted, surprised even, perhaps, at the wondrous results of your Craigslist posting. Maybe just now, you were thinking to yourself, “Wow, my listing really worked!” However, I’m not a 14 year old Spanish boy. In fact, I’m a 27 year old Ohio-ian woman. You may be wondering where I got such remarkable skills. I’m happy to report that I studied long and hard for the last 9 years under my teacher, John Ableton Watman at the Ohio City School of Acting and Refrigerator Sciences. After graduating early for good behavior with degrees in not only “Character Likeness” as well as “Refrigeration Electronical Component Expertise”, I moved to the big city to become the star I’m meant to be. I am not going to lie, it’s been a bit trickier than I thought it’d be. But when I saw this listing, I thought to myself, now here is a role that I could completely nail. I took Spanish in high school for several years, and though I mostly failed it (I got a D+), I technically passed according to state law, and I can now form several partial sentences, including:

My grandmother is sick – Mi abuela es de ebola
Do you know what time it is? – Que tiempo know tu es?
This relationship is not working out anymore, I’m taking the kids and leaving. – Es amour is no, es muy mal, yo soy taking la senoritas y senors y yo soy vamanos.

As you can see, there’s a vast range of dialog here, ranging from family to social activity and what I lack in technical ability, I make up in charm. My teeth are mostly straight after a recent operation, and though my hair is dyed red which is not classically the color of a 14 year old spanish boy’s coif, if you would consider covering the costs of dark dye, I’d be happy to administer it onto my head.

There’s much for us to talk about – en englais y espanol – so I hope you’ll get back in touch soon.


Beth Baskie

SQL/Windows Admin (New York)

Need a local NY/NJ junior to mid-level person. 1 month or longer. Resume review to phone screen to face to face to hire. Client want someone in place by the 25th.

• This customer below is looking for On-site work for at least a month
• Just admin work, server installing is not a requirement
• They need a Windows and SQL Admin: Windows Server 2012 and SQL 2008

Additional information: It will require setup, but server setups is very streamlined because of use SCCM to build servers and pc’s. Mostly everything is preconfigured in the image. Also there should be a basic to good level of VMware.


I am writing to apply for the window installing position. Though you have said installation is not required, I am fine with installing. I have much window installing experience. I used to work in the Twin Towers cleaning and installing windows before that fateful day, September 11, 2001, whence they collapsed into a giant pile of steel and glass into the ground, never to be seen standing again.

Funny aside–I was working on the windows the day 9/11 happened. There I was, dangling from the 70th floor. You can’t imagine how peaceful it is up there. There are no birds, there are no trees that tall or anywhere near there for that matter. Trees in New York? Don’t make me laugh. The winds blow at winds of sometimes upwards of 50 or more miles per hour which really gets the straps blowing. It’s like swinging on a swing again at the playground of my grammar school I was in. I dropped out of grammar school but it was the principal’s fault, he didn’t understand my sense of humor or that fire is a basic human obsession. But anyway, so I’m hanging off the building, admiring my reflection in the shiny glass. I’m a decent looking dude! Not like, a model or anything, but trust me, I do fine with the women. It’s all swiping right with me, know what I mean? As I’m admiring my strong jaw line and the way it stretches around and connect to my medium sized — not too big not to small — ears, I see the plane in the glass behind me, and it is coming FAST. I think to myself, “That guy is off course, doesn’t he see the buildings here?” and that’s all I get to think. Next thing I hear is “smashacrashaboomsmack” [insert your own onomatopoeia here]. Glass is raining down on me like a freakin waterfall. I know at that moment, I have moments to act in this life or death situation. I have a pretty good momentum going on the swing, so I swing up into the open window in one fast whoosh, which I’ve learned to do from years of window cleaning and installing. I land on my feet, because I’m like a cat. My mom used to always say, “You’re like a cat”, god rest her soul, because she’s basically dead now. She’s on life support as I type this. Anyway, so I disconnect the harness fast in just two clicks, and I hear people screaming and freaking out and smoke is billowing out of the floor and around the windows. I hear stuff exploding and people being all like, “Oh shit oh fuck!” excuse my expletives. At that moment, I’m like, what am I doing? I realize the elevator is probably broken and the stairs are going to be mobbed. So, I hook my harness back up to the ropes, I take a deep breath, I reach inside my shirt and kiss my crucifix (I’m not religious, it’s a good luck charm I won on the boardwalk in Atlantic City), I back up and take a running leap out the window. Once I’m out, I turn and just start hopping with my feet down the building. The rope is pressure tightened so it only lets me go down as far as I need to. I rappel all the way down the building and when I get to the bottom, the place is a crazy scene. Cops are everywhere all like, “Back up!” So I disconnected my harness and just started running. It wasn’t til later when I heard it was terrorism and there were people who needed help and stuff. I wish there was more I could have done, but I’m just a lowly window washer, not a hero. I’m lucky to have my life today.

Anyway, I’m really interested in the window installing job. I have to admit, I’m not crazy about being referred to as a “server”, I’m no one’s server, dude. I might not have a college degradation but it seems like you could have probably called me an assistant or a helper. Server isn’t really the correct term for a person who works under you any more.

A few perks in hiring me: I’m an “idea man”, I’m just full of them. Here are a few of my recent good ideas: I put velcro on my pens so I can stick them to the wall. I haven’t lost a pen since 1982. I use toothbrushes to brush my dog’s teeth, thus saving money on dog dental costs. And there are a lot more.

I also pride myself on my strong communication skills. I can talk about anything, any time, anywhere. Sometimes people tell me I communicate TOO MUCH. I guess this would be the part of the job interview where you ask me, “What are your weaknesses?” Some people might be like, “I work TOO hard”, or “I am TOO reliable”, and I think that’s cheap. The truth is, I know my weaknesses. As I said above, sometimes I communicate too much, I don’t get enough sleep due to a case of sleep apnea I’m currently working through that I believe is mostly based on my addiction to cheese and dairy products, and I have a tendency to get very involved in my romantic relationships to the point where I end up thinking more about them than I do myself. Like my last girlfriend, Rhondelle… but look, there I go again, communicating TOO much. But I caught myself this time. Maybe there’s hope for me, after all.

Hey, if you think I might be right for the fit, give me a call. My number is 646-209-RILK. I got one of those numbers you can make a word out of so people can get in touch easier. That’s just one of the many, countless number of good ideas I have to bring to the table.

Ron Dalbo


See here:

And also here:…/job-search-self…

And here:…/job-search-self…

And here:…/job-search-self…


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I Crashed the SNL 40th Anniversary Party, Lorne, Please Forgive Me


I crashed the SNL party last Sunday, lived to tell my story on xoJane and am still having residual awesomeness tremors from going.

You can read the whole story about how I did it and see some pictures here.

The story got such wonderful feedback (thank you so much everyone for your kind words and warm response!) that I am toying with the idea of starting a crash podcast and blog. Where are some places / parties you’d love to crash or see get crashed?

If you’re in NYC, come see me host my variety show in drag next Wed Feb 25 at The Stand comedy club, with Christian Finnegan, Jessica Kirson, Dan Soder, Judah Friedlander and more.

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Happy Valentine’s Day, Everyone

Hello lovers, I hope you all had a groovy Valentine’s Day. It cracks me up annually that the initials of Valentine’s Day are V.D., because it’s so true, everyone’s got one. Did you know that more than 50% of Americans have herpes? This sentence brought to you by Valtrex, or whatever that drug is called. What is the singular of herpes? Herpie? That sounds like a gym teacher’s last name. I have never had visible signs of herpes but I must have it. I mean, I live in NYC. I think when you move here, it comes in your welcome kit, along with the keys to your over priced walk up studio apartment. Still, I prefer to say Happy and not Heppy Valentine’s Day. But enough of that.

The reason I am writing today is to share some home made valentine candies I made. I found a site where you can “make your own”. You can choose your own color and you get up to 8 characters. Here are mine:

IMG_7199 IMG_7200 IMG_7201 IMG_7202 IMG_7203What would yours say?

I had a pretty lousy Valentine’s day. Besides the fact that I got to perform and got paid for it, which is always a BLESSING (announced very dramatically breathily with a sideways head tilt for effect)(p.s. want to catch my next show? visit the calendar), my poor valentine was sick with the flu so no boom boom for this baby san.

I could go on a little more about how I thought I lost my laptop in a cab or how the true highlight of my evening was eating a Pies & Thighs donut or about how I’m opening up a 1600 square foot music school, store and venue in a few weeks but I’ll save it all for another time.

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Ladies Street Harass The Fellas In Search Of Quality Dick Pics

In this video, a group of my lady comedian pals set about to see if we can get any guys to take some “classy” dick pics in our state of the art dick custom made pic photo booth in Gramercy Park, NYC. This is what happens. Starring Dava Krause, Coree Spencer, Heather Bunch. Filmed by Bill Scurry and Alex M.


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