Hello everyone. My friend David shared some of my old Job Search Self Sabotage posts on Facebook (from my old blog, Jessy Delfino’s Blog) and I enjoyed reading my own writing so much, I inspired me to write some new ones.
In JSSS, I basically apply for jobs, because that’s what society tells me I should be doing (working) but since I find the responsibility and boringness of most jobs irksome, I make sure that I don’t get hired.
Enjoy this 2015 rendition of Job Search Self Sabotage.
MASSAGE LADY (BROOKLYN)
Needed massage lady once or twice a week
please tell me about yourself and your experience
picture would be helpful
compensation: $80 for 90 minutes
I’m writing to apply for the position of needed massage lady. I am assuming that you are a madam because you have spelled all the words correctly in this job listing. I know this for a fact, because I painstakingly spell checked each one, which brings me to the job qualifications and experience portion of this email. I’m extremely detail oriented and very good with words from many years of being a secretary. I can type about 83 words per minute and I file folders with a panache and fire that my past employers have described as, “gung ho”.
I make a great pot of coffee, I never forget to water the plants and I even go out of my way to do little things, like bring M&Ms or grab extra lolly pops from my bank to share with my co-workers. Some might describe me as “the perfect employee”.
I live in Connecticut, so I’m not too far from Brooklyn, just about a 2 hour commute, which I can do easily. I’ve mapped out your location and it looks like 2 buses, a train, 2 subways and then a walk ought to cover it. Since I’m 72, I need all the exercise I can get.
I suppose I should mention that I don’t have a lot of massage experience, though when I was younger, my dad used to occasionally demand I rub his back in exchange for room and board, or meals. I hated it because his back was rubbery and my hands are small. Arthritis has taken over in my later years and my grip isn’t what it used to be, though I can still smack the bejesus out of someone if they look at me the wrong way, and I’m not afraid to do it.
As for your rate, I think that $80 for 90 minutes sounds more than fair. I know that in Chinatown, you can get an hour back rub for about $35, so as far as I see it, I’d be taking you for a ride. That’s a figure of speech that basically means that you’d be over paying me. But I didn’t get this far in life by letting people take advantage. After all, this is New York, not Wichita, right?!
Thanks and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Mrs. Tabitha Wilkinsonian
14 year old male that speaks Spanish and Sings (NYC)
Looking for a 14 year old Spanish speaking boy actor that sings for a paid reading in NYC.
If you are looking for management representation and fill this breakdown, PLEASE email me ASAP with your head shot resume and a sample of your vocals.
To Whomo It May Concerno:
I amma a 14 year olda spanish a-speaking actor boy who no speaka English too good. Mi madre suggesto I apply for da job because I need to save up el dinero for esquela. I’ve beena practicar my singing and reading since I was a da 2 years old.
My grandmother is sick – Mi abuela es de ebola
Do you know what time it is? – Que tiempo know tu es?
This relationship is not working out anymore, I’m taking the kids and leaving. – Es amour is no, es muy mal, yo soy taking la senoritas y senors y yo soy vamanos.
As you can see, there’s a vast range of dialog here, ranging from family to social activity and what I lack in technical ability, I make up in charm. My teeth are mostly straight after a recent operation, and though my hair is dyed red which is not classically the color of a 14 year old spanish boy’s coif, if you would consider covering the costs of dark dye, I’d be happy to administer it onto my head.
There’s much for us to talk about – en englais y espanol – so I hope you’ll get back in touch soon.
SQL/Windows Admin (New York)
Need a local NY/NJ junior to mid-level person. 1 month or longer. Resume review to phone screen to face to face to hire. Client want someone in place by the 25th.
• Must have STRONG COMMUNICATION SKILLS
• MUST BE LOCAL
• MUST BE READY TO START ON THE 25th
• This customer below is looking for On-site work for at least a month
• Just admin work, server installing is not a requirement
• They need a Windows and SQL Admin: Windows Server 2012 and SQL 2008
Additional information: It will require setup, but server setups is very streamlined because of use SCCM to build servers and pc’s. Mostly everything is preconfigured in the image. Also there should be a basic to good level of VMware.
I am writing to apply for the window installing position. Though you have said installation is not required, I am fine with installing. I have much window installing experience. I used to work in the Twin Towers cleaning and installing windows before that fateful day, September 11, 2001, whence they collapsed into a giant pile of steel and glass into the ground, never to be seen standing again.
Funny aside–I was working on the windows the day 9/11 happened. There I was, dangling from the 70th floor. You can’t imagine how peaceful it is up there. There are no birds, there are no trees that tall or anywhere near there for that matter. Trees in New York? Don’t make me laugh. The winds blow at winds of sometimes upwards of 50 or more miles per hour which really gets the straps blowing. It’s like swinging on a swing again at the playground of my grammar school I was in. I dropped out of grammar school but it was the principal’s fault, he didn’t understand my sense of humor or that fire is a basic human obsession. But anyway, so I’m hanging off the building, admiring my reflection in the shiny glass. I’m a decent looking dude! Not like, a model or anything, but trust me, I do fine with the women. It’s all swiping right with me, know what I mean? As I’m admiring my strong jaw line and the way it stretches around and connect to my medium sized — not too big not to small — ears, I see the plane in the glass behind me, and it is coming FAST. I think to myself, “That guy is off course, doesn’t he see the buildings here?” and that’s all I get to think. Next thing I hear is “smashacrashaboomsmack” [insert your own onomatopoeia here]. Glass is raining down on me like a freakin waterfall. I know at that moment, I have moments to act in this life or death situation. I have a pretty good momentum going on the swing, so I swing up into the open window in one fast whoosh, which I’ve learned to do from years of window cleaning and installing. I land on my feet, because I’m like a cat. My mom used to always say, “You’re like a cat”, god rest her soul, because she’s basically dead now. She’s on life support as I type this. Anyway, so I disconnect the harness fast in just two clicks, and I hear people screaming and freaking out and smoke is billowing out of the floor and around the windows. I hear stuff exploding and people being all like, “Oh shit oh fuck!” excuse my expletives. At that moment, I’m like, what am I doing? I realize the elevator is probably broken and the stairs are going to be mobbed. So, I hook my harness back up to the ropes, I take a deep breath, I reach inside my shirt and kiss my crucifix (I’m not religious, it’s a good luck charm I won on the boardwalk in Atlantic City), I back up and take a running leap out the window. Once I’m out, I turn and just start hopping with my feet down the building. The rope is pressure tightened so it only lets me go down as far as I need to. I rappel all the way down the building and when I get to the bottom, the place is a crazy scene. Cops are everywhere all like, “Back up!” So I disconnected my harness and just started running. It wasn’t til later when I heard it was terrorism and there were people who needed help and stuff. I wish there was more I could have done, but I’m just a lowly window washer, not a hero. I’m lucky to have my life today.
Anyway, I’m really interested in the window installing job. I have to admit, I’m not crazy about being referred to as a “server”, I’m no one’s server, dude. I might not have a college degradation but it seems like you could have probably called me an assistant or a helper. Server isn’t really the correct term for a person who works under you any more.
A few perks in hiring me: I’m an “idea man”, I’m just full of them. Here are a few of my recent good ideas: I put velcro on my pens so I can stick them to the wall. I haven’t lost a pen since 1982. I use toothbrushes to brush my dog’s teeth, thus saving money on dog dental costs. And there are a lot more.
I also pride myself on my strong communication skills. I can talk about anything, any time, anywhere. Sometimes people tell me I communicate TOO MUCH. I guess this would be the part of the job interview where you ask me, “What are your weaknesses?” Some people might be like, “I work TOO hard”, or “I am TOO reliable”, and I think that’s cheap. The truth is, I know my weaknesses. As I said above, sometimes I communicate too much, I don’t get enough sleep due to a case of sleep apnea I’m currently working through that I believe is mostly based on my addiction to cheese and dairy products, and I have a tendency to get very involved in my romantic relationships to the point where I end up thinking more about them than I do myself. Like my last girlfriend, Rhondelle… but look, there I go again, communicating TOO much. But I caught myself this time. Maybe there’s hope for me, after all.
Hey, if you think I might be right for the fit, give me a call. My number is 646-209-RILK. I got one of those numbers you can make a word out of so people can get in touch easier. That’s just one of the many, countless number of good ideas I have to bring to the table.
OTHER JOB SEARCH SELF SABOTAGE LINKS
And also here: http://www.jessydelfino.blogspot.com/…/job-search-self…