Job Search Self Sabotage 2015 Edition

51S+pPtReeL._SY344_BO1,204,203,200_

Hello everyone. My friend David shared some of my old Job Search Self Sabotage posts on Facebook (from my old blog, Jessy Delfino’s Blog) and I enjoyed reading my own writing so much, I inspired me to write some new ones.

In JSSS, I basically apply for jobs, because that’s what society tells me I should be doing (working) but since I find the responsibility and boringness of most jobs irksome, I make sure that I don’t get hired.

Enjoy this 2015 rendition of Job Search Self Sabotage.

MASSAGE LADY (BROOKLYN)
Needed massage lady once or twice a week
please tell me about yourself and your experience
picture would be helpful
compensation: $80 for 90 minutes

Dear Madam:

I’m writing to apply for the position of needed massage lady. I am assuming that you are a madam because you have spelled all the words correctly in this job listing. I know this for a fact, because I painstakingly spell checked each one, which brings me to the job qualifications and experience portion of this email. I’m extremely detail oriented and very good with words from many years of being a secretary. I can type about 83 words per minute and I file folders with a panache and fire that my past employers have described as, “gung ho”.

I make a great pot of coffee, I never forget to water the plants and I even go out of my way to do little things, like bring M&Ms or grab extra lolly pops from my bank to share with my co-workers. Some might describe me as “the perfect employee”.

I live in Connecticut, so I’m not too far from Brooklyn, just about a 2 hour commute, which I can do easily. I’ve mapped out your location and it looks like 2 buses, a train, 2 subways and then a walk ought to cover it. Since I’m 72, I need all the exercise I can get.

I suppose I should mention that I don’t have a lot of massage experience, though when I was younger, my dad used to occasionally demand I rub his back in exchange for room and board, or meals. I hated it because his back was rubbery and my hands are small. Arthritis has taken over in my later years and my grip isn’t what it used to be, though I can still smack the bejesus out of someone if they look at me the wrong way, and I’m not afraid to do it.

As for your rate, I think that $80 for 90 minutes sounds more than fair. I know that in Chinatown, you can get an hour back rub for about $35, so as far as I see it, I’d be taking you for a ride. That’s a figure of speech that basically means that you’d be over paying me. But I didn’t get this far in life by letting people take advantage. After all, this is New York, not Wichita, right?!

Thanks and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Mrs. Tabitha Wilkinsonian

14 year old male that speaks Spanish and Sings (NYC)

compensation: tba

Looking for a 14 year old Spanish speaking boy actor that sings for a paid reading in NYC.
If you are looking for management representation and fill this breakdown, PLEASE email me ASAP with your head shot resume and a sample of your vocals. 

To Whomo It May Concerno:

I amma a 14 year olda spanish a-speaking actor boy who no speaka English too good. Mi madre suggesto I apply for da job because I need to save up el dinero for esquela. I’ve beena practicar my singing and reading since I was a da 2 years old.

What you have just experienced is known as the skill of “acting”. I bet for a minute you were delighted, surprised even, perhaps, at the wondrous results of your Craigslist posting. Maybe just now, you were thinking to yourself, “Wow, my listing really worked!” However, I’m not a 14 year old Spanish boy. In fact, I’m a 27 year old Ohio-ian woman. You may be wondering where I got such remarkable skills. I’m happy to report that I studied long and hard for the last 9 years under my teacher, John Ableton Watman at the Ohio City School of Acting and Refrigerator Sciences. After graduating early for good behavior with degrees in not only “Character Likeness” as well as “Refrigeration Electronical Component Expertise”, I moved to the big city to become the star I’m meant to be. I am not going to lie, it’s been a bit trickier than I thought it’d be. But when I saw this listing, I thought to myself, now here is a role that I could completely nail. I took Spanish in high school for several years, and though I mostly failed it (I got a D+), I technically passed according to state law, and I can now form several partial sentences, including:

My grandmother is sick – Mi abuela es de ebola
Do you know what time it is? – Que tiempo know tu es?
This relationship is not working out anymore, I’m taking the kids and leaving. – Es amour is no, es muy mal, yo soy taking la senoritas y senors y yo soy vamanos.

As you can see, there’s a vast range of dialog here, ranging from family to social activity and what I lack in technical ability, I make up in charm. My teeth are mostly straight after a recent operation, and though my hair is dyed red which is not classically the color of a 14 year old spanish boy’s coif, if you would consider covering the costs of dark dye, I’d be happy to administer it onto my head.

There’s much for us to talk about – en englais y espanol – so I hope you’ll get back in touch soon.

Adieu!

Beth Baskie

SQL/Windows Admin (New York)

Need a local NY/NJ junior to mid-level person. 1 month or longer. Resume review to phone screen to face to face to hire. Client want someone in place by the 25th.

• Must have STRONG COMMUNICATION SKILLS
• MUST BE LOCAL
• MUST BE READY TO START ON THE 25th
• This customer below is looking for On-site work for at least a month
• Just admin work, server installing is not a requirement
• They need a Windows and SQL Admin: Windows Server 2012 and SQL 2008

Additional information: It will require setup, but server setups is very streamlined because of use SCCM to build servers and pc’s. Mostly everything is preconfigured in the image. Also there should be a basic to good level of VMware.

Hello!

I am writing to apply for the window installing position. Though you have said installation is not required, I am fine with installing. I have much window installing experience. I used to work in the Twin Towers cleaning and installing windows before that fateful day, September 11, 2001, whence they collapsed into a giant pile of steel and glass into the ground, never to be seen standing again.

Funny aside–I was working on the windows the day 9/11 happened. There I was, dangling from the 70th floor. You can’t imagine how peaceful it is up there. There are no birds, there are no trees that tall or anywhere near there for that matter. Trees in New York? Don’t make me laugh. The winds blow at winds of sometimes upwards of 50 or more miles per hour which really gets the straps blowing. It’s like swinging on a swing again at the playground of my grammar school I was in. I dropped out of grammar school but it was the principal’s fault, he didn’t understand my sense of humor or that fire is a basic human obsession. But anyway, so I’m hanging off the building, admiring my reflection in the shiny glass. I’m a decent looking dude! Not like, a model or anything, but trust me, I do fine with the women. It’s all swiping right with me, know what I mean? As I’m admiring my strong jaw line and the way it stretches around and connect to my medium sized — not too big not to small — ears, I see the plane in the glass behind me, and it is coming FAST. I think to myself, “That guy is off course, doesn’t he see the buildings here?” and that’s all I get to think. Next thing I hear is “smashacrashaboomsmack” [insert your own onomatopoeia here]. Glass is raining down on me like a freakin waterfall. I know at that moment, I have moments to act in this life or death situation. I have a pretty good momentum going on the swing, so I swing up into the open window in one fast whoosh, which I’ve learned to do from years of window cleaning and installing. I land on my feet, because I’m like a cat. My mom used to always say, “You’re like a cat”, god rest her soul, because she’s basically dead now. She’s on life support as I type this. Anyway, so I disconnect the harness fast in just two clicks, and I hear people screaming and freaking out and smoke is billowing out of the floor and around the windows. I hear stuff exploding and people being all like, “Oh shit oh fuck!” excuse my expletives. At that moment, I’m like, what am I doing? I realize the elevator is probably broken and the stairs are going to be mobbed. So, I hook my harness back up to the ropes, I take a deep breath, I reach inside my shirt and kiss my crucifix (I’m not religious, it’s a good luck charm I won on the boardwalk in Atlantic City), I back up and take a running leap out the window. Once I’m out, I turn and just start hopping with my feet down the building. The rope is pressure tightened so it only lets me go down as far as I need to. I rappel all the way down the building and when I get to the bottom, the place is a crazy scene. Cops are everywhere all like, “Back up!” So I disconnected my harness and just started running. It wasn’t til later when I heard it was terrorism and there were people who needed help and stuff. I wish there was more I could have done, but I’m just a lowly window washer, not a hero. I’m lucky to have my life today.

Anyway, I’m really interested in the window installing job. I have to admit, I’m not crazy about being referred to as a “server”, I’m no one’s server, dude. I might not have a college degradation but it seems like you could have probably called me an assistant or a helper. Server isn’t really the correct term for a person who works under you any more.

A few perks in hiring me: I’m an “idea man”, I’m just full of them. Here are a few of my recent good ideas: I put velcro on my pens so I can stick them to the wall. I haven’t lost a pen since 1982. I use toothbrushes to brush my dog’s teeth, thus saving money on dog dental costs. And there are a lot more.

I also pride myself on my strong communication skills. I can talk about anything, any time, anywhere. Sometimes people tell me I communicate TOO MUCH. I guess this would be the part of the job interview where you ask me, “What are your weaknesses?” Some people might be like, “I work TOO hard”, or “I am TOO reliable”, and I think that’s cheap. The truth is, I know my weaknesses. As I said above, sometimes I communicate too much, I don’t get enough sleep due to a case of sleep apnea I’m currently working through that I believe is mostly based on my addiction to cheese and dairy products, and I have a tendency to get very involved in my romantic relationships to the point where I end up thinking more about them than I do myself. Like my last girlfriend, Rhondelle… but look, there I go again, communicating TOO much. But I caught myself this time. Maybe there’s hope for me, after all.

Hey, if you think I might be right for the fit, give me a call. My number is 646-209-RILK. I got one of those numbers you can make a word out of so people can get in touch easier. That’s just one of the many, countless number of good ideas I have to bring to the table.

Ron Dalbo

OTHER JOB SEARCH SELF SABOTAGE LINKS

See here: http://www.jessydelfino.blogspot.com/2003/06/look-into-job-search-self-sabotage-by.html

And also here: http://www.jessydelfino.blogspot.com/…/job-search-self…

And here: http://www.jessydelfino.blogspot.com/…/job-search-self…

And here: http://www.jessydelfino.blogspot.com/…/job-search-self…

 

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

I Crashed the SNL 40th Anniversary Party, Lorne, Please Forgive Me

IMG_0102

I crashed the SNL party last Sunday, lived to tell my story on xoJane and am still having residual awesomeness tremors from going.

You can read the whole story about how I did it and see some pictures here.

The story got such wonderful feedback (thank you so much everyone for your kind words and warm response!) that I am toying with the idea of starting a crash podcast and blog. Where are some places / parties you’d love to crash or see get crashed?

If you’re in NYC, come see me host my variety show in drag next Wed Feb 25 at The Stand comedy club, with Christian Finnegan, Jessica Kirson, Dan Soder, Judah Friedlander and more.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Happy Valentine’s Day, Everyone

Hello lovers, I hope you all had a groovy Valentine’s Day. It cracks me up annually that the initials of Valentine’s Day are V.D., because it’s so true, everyone’s got one. Did you know that more than 50% of Americans have herpes? This sentence brought to you by Valtrex, or whatever that drug is called. What is the singular of herpes? Herpie? That sounds like a gym teacher’s last name. I have never had visible signs of herpes but I must have it. I mean, I live in NYC. I think when you move here, it comes in your welcome kit, along with the keys to your over priced walk up studio apartment. Still, I prefer to say Happy and not Heppy Valentine’s Day. But enough of that.

The reason I am writing today is to share some home made valentine candies I made. I found a site where you can “make your own”. You can choose your own color and you get up to 8 characters. Here are mine:

IMG_7199 IMG_7200 IMG_7201 IMG_7202 IMG_7203What would yours say?

I had a pretty lousy Valentine’s day. Besides the fact that I got to perform and got paid for it, which is always a BLESSING (announced very dramatically breathily with a sideways head tilt for effect)(p.s. want to catch my next show? visit the calendar), my poor valentine was sick with the flu so no boom boom for this baby san.

I could go on a little more about how I thought I lost my laptop in a cab or how the true highlight of my evening was eating a Pies & Thighs donut or about how I’m opening up a 1600 square foot music school, store and venue in a few weeks but I’ll save it all for another time.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Ladies Street Harass The Fellas In Search Of Quality Dick Pics

In this video, a group of my lady comedian pals set about to see if we can get any guys to take some “classy” dick pics in our state of the art dick custom made pic photo booth in Gramercy Park, NYC. This is what happens. Starring Dava Krause, Coree Spencer, Heather Bunch. Filmed by Bill Scurry and Alex M.

photo-2

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Doctors Without Borders Fundraiser this Wed, Nov. 19 with Fred Armisen, Jim Gaffigan, David Cross, Janeane Garofalo, Regina Spektor and many more

B1ba4FCCAAEvNhx

This Wednesday, join Jena Friedman and Greg Barris for the Doctors Without Borders fundraiser at Irving Plaza in NYC, which they’ve put together to help bring relief to West Africa ebola victims. Doors at 6:30 PM, show starts at 7 PM.

For $60 you can not only enjoy a great comedy and music show featuring too many great acts to even list (I will be performing a little bit of music on the show as well), but you can also help a worthy cause. For $110 tickets, you will get admission to the VIP after party to follow. I say go for it and splurge, plunk down the extra $50 and hob nob with the city’s funniest cool kids. Get your tickets here now. Read more about the show here.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

#TBT To Beat The Band: Here I Am, Immortalized Lurking Behind Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers Jess Jena Daniella

An old pal of mine from Maine found this photo taken at Michael Musto’s 50th birthday party (by David Shankbone) and sent it to me tonight. I wasn’t expecting to see it, and it took me back to a time when I shared the planet with one of the world’s greatest comedians. It almost looks like I have stink face in the photo, but that’s just my face. I photograph like my face is broken, every time. The truth of it is, I was in awe and admiration that I was getting to stand so close to this comedy idol. We share a birthday – June 8th – and I always felt a special connection to Joan Rivers. I met her at IFC (Tanya O’Debra took me to see her documentary, “A Piece of Work” and she came to the screening. She was so kind to me and to everyone there. She gave me comedy advice and stayed around to talk to everyone and shake all our grubby, desperate hands. I’m so happy to have this photo and though I only got to meet her a couple times and briefly at that, I will miss her for the rest of my days.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Thanks to the internet, I got to talk to Megan Amram today

photo 5-3

Dava Krause as a dude in our little video shoot.

This morning, I woke early. I exited my apartment to find that the weather was pleasant; warm as a hooker’s laurels, in fact. I skedaddled to the subway as fast as my legs could make my bike take me and hustled out to Bushwick to arrive 15 minutes early to meet a friend, comedian Dava Krause to film a video for our internet based show, “28 Rulz of the Internet“. It went well and was fun and easy. The end.

Then, I shared a cab back to Manhattan with the director. His name is Shane. He is pretty bad ass. I forgot to tell the driver to take the outside lane so I had to boogie back to my office from a little further away, but I made it in time to do a sound check for a Huffington Post Live segment where I would be allowed to ask Megan Amram a question.

Screenshot 2014-11-10 17.38.25

Megan Amram is pretty funny, confirms most of the internet.

Ha! Jokes on them, I asked two. You can see the full interview here. If you don’t know who Megan Amram is, ask Uncle Google, OK? She’s a Twitter success story with a bajillion followers. She has gotten job upon job from being funny on Twitter (such as a writing job on Parks and Recreation) and now she has a book out called, “Science For Her!” I’ve been doing comedy for 14 years. I’ve been pitching a book for the past several weeks and have gotten about 10 big fat “go fuck yourself”‘s. But I have two potential publishers who are still thinking about it, so my fingers are crossed so hard they are doing something like rug-burning each other.

Screenshot 2014-11-10 17.39.07

Megan Amram, my new boss

Suffice to say, since Megan and I are both super funny and super successful, we hit it off super well. She hired me on the spot with no samples or credentials to write for her new TV show called “Pussy” on Comedy Central which hasn’t started yet and may never start. Amy Schumer apparently battled it out with Comedy Central to be able to say “pussy” on her show because you can say “dick” and that’s fine, and she WON. So now, it’s cool to say “pussy” on Comedy Central, and I’m pretty excited about that because this. So now that I have a big time comedy writing job for a TV show called “Pussy” that Megan Amram is starting that may or may not and more on the not side will ever actually happen, life is pretty great and all my problems are solved. The end again. In fact, I like the idea of having a show called “Pussy”, and since Megan is super busy, I think I’m going to just start it, and if and when Megan comes around and wants to get involved, I’ll have already started it up for her.

Last of all, yesterday I roasted Fred the Elephant Man, a wack packer from The Howard Stern Show at the Comic Strip in NYC which was a cross between one of the most fun and saddest nights ever. But, how could it be both, you didn’t ask? I guess you would just had to have been there. I’m going to upload a video of my set soon, so turns out, you didn’t necessarily have to be there. A good time and a lot of straight up LOL’s were had by all. OK, the end, again, this time, for real.

photo 2-7photo 3-5

L: I basically verbally shit all over a poor schlub with a speech impediment on his birthday for fun because someone asked me to
R: Mike Lawrence and the audience seem super entertained and possibly also a bit ashamed by whatever is going on

photo 4-3photo 1-7

L: Meatloaf–I mean Nicole Bass showed up for the roast
R: Fred and me hang out before the show

Check out my calendar for this week’s shows and let’s be friends on Twitter and Facebook and iTunes.

 

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

I Wore A Hazmat Suit on a Plane from JFK to LAX And Here’s What Happened

photo 3-3

I flew from JFK to LAX last Wed Oct. 23rd wearing a hazmat suit on the plane. Read all about what happened here, on xoJane.com.

Please donate money to Doctors Without Borders if you haven’t already, and if you already have, please do it again, if you can. Stopping the spread of Ebola at it’s start is the best way to keep it from spreading any more, and donating money to the cause will help to get and keep the resources and people that need to be there, there.

If you are in NYC, please consider going to this awesome benefit.

Lastly, if you’re going to say some shit like, “she’s making Ebola all about her”,
Ebola IS all about me. And it’s all about you and everyone else, too.

I’m a comedian and an artist, and a performer and an activist, and a witch and a big sister and a (harmless) weirdo, and this is what I do.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

I’m tenaciously trying to win Tenacious D’s Festival Supreme theme song contest

 

JD St Marks Theater
What does one do upon returning from a successful 2 week UK tour to a massive city where she falls through the cracks like an ant trying to maneuver the Manhattan sidewalk? She waits til no giant feet appear to be coming and runs into a crevice called comedy. Doing comedy in NYC is like being a cigarette butt in the ocean. There are shit tons of them and only a few cigarette butts actually wash up onto the shore. Several exes have told me that my analogies suck but I still make my attempts.
Doing comedy in a giant mega city has it’s challenges, but there’s still something very comforting about it or else I wouldn’t have been doing it for all these years. But lately L.A. has been whispering to me. I went there last March to film a segment in Dr. Demento’s documentary and I enjoyed the city so much, I knew it wouldn’t be long before I’d be back.
Thurs, Oct. 23, in fact, is when I’ll head back, to do a show at Comedy Central Stages, featuring a bunch of material from my new album, “Songs To Make War To: 14 Anarchist Anthems For The Whole Family”. I also have a new batch of funderwear, because I sold out of all the ones I made for my tour. (Yesss!) Tickets are free and the details are on my calendar.
Another reason I’m going to L.A. is because I really want to go enjoy Festival Supreme, a comedy music festival that Tenacious D created a year after I started the NY Funny Songs Fest.

Festival Supreme Theme Logo

Their festival is what mine was supposed to be, but they have oh so much money and so many more way better connections than I do. For the past two years, I’ve been dreaming up ways to get into that festival. If only I had a good agent, maybe they could make a plea for me. But I don’t. I considered emailing them myself as I do for all my bookings, but decided against it. Then this year, they opened a festival theme song contest. Many people entered, myself being one of them. Today I started in last place and I am now in 4th place. But I need your votes, and I need a lot of them. And I really want to win. The person in the lead has twice as many votes as I do.
I used to win contests a lot, like I was finalist in the Andy Kaufman Award contest twice, and I won the Emerging Comedians NY comedy contest, and I won a Village Voice Choice award, and I was a finalist on ABC’s Good Morning America Make Us Laugh All Night Long (which actually was filmed during the day…) but I guess in general, I haven’t been as contest-y as I used to be. I am crossing my fingers and hoping for a big win here, though, because it sounds like it’d be an awesome thing to win.
JDTD-2
I am going to Festival Supreme whether I win or not, but it’d be extra fun to be there as a performer, not some hot dog eating “punter” as the Brits call them.
Here is my video link. Please pardon my shamelessness, but maybe you can vote for me and ask everyone in your office and in your family to vote for me. The girl’s video who is in the lead was featured on a pretty big comedy website and so I guess I gotta up my game–just sitting around hoping that my song is the best one is obviously not going to be the way to win this thing.
Here is a direct link to my entry song and video:

 Go on, share it on Facebook and Twitter and stuff. You know ya wanna. And thank you.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

UK Tour Diary


JD Frome

Screen grab of a photo by David Goodman

I recently returned from a successful jaunt across the pond to the UK where I went to promote my new CD, “Songs To Make War To: 14 Anarchist Anthems For The Whole Family”. I performed at The Comedy Store, End of the Road Festival and at a church (!) in Frome, Somerset, near Stone Henge. To help support the tour, I made and sold panties with my song lyrics on them. I was lucky to get some great press before and during the trip from BUST and TheGloss.com which really helped get the word out there.

photo-2

Who needs Kickstarter when you’ve got fancy fanny frocks? (Fun fact: In the UK, fanny means vagina. Also, fag means cigarette, lift means elevator, loo means toilet, etc., but you already knew all of that because you are a sophisticated traveler and so well read!)

What? You MUST own a pair? Here’s a listing on Etsy and they will be up in my store soon.
Also, here’s a link to the new CD to download for FREE. It’s also available on Pandora.
(It’s mostly NSFW depending on where you W)
And, what’s that? You want to see photos from the tour? I hear ya! You can check them out here on Facebook.
If you have any suggestions of feminist empowered stores or boutiques in your neck of the woods that might want to carry my funderwear, or journalists or websites that might be interested in receiving a press release, please let me know.
I didn’t see this cat this time, but maybe next time.

1531569_10152014472067130_6808028974233395635_n
JESSICA_DELFINO_062414_ALBUM_ART_110_RETOUCH

CD cover artwork by Alex M. Smith

photo

CD! Each one is handmade and one of a kind. Just like me.

vag undies

Early version of the panties

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment