Let’s face it — lists can sometimes be alienating. The best this or that, most funny or most fashionable — I mean, who even writes these lists? Yep, it can be pretty insulting, until it’s you that they’re talking about, and then it all clicks. Otherwise, the internet can be just one big feeling hurting machine.

Even though it doesn’t define me nor does it prove anything, (you may have thought I was funny before the list or you may continue to think I’m not funny after the list, but probably not!), it does make me feel somewhat satisfied to be listed on FunnyOrDie.com’s blog-ticle “15 Of The Funniest Comediennes You SHOULD Be Following” alongside this collection of very funny comedians, I have to admit. Are there dozens of people who aren’t on there who should be? Yes. Am I one of them? No. Have I been left off lists before? Once or twice, maybe, yes. Am I celebrating a little bit inside? I just ordered myself a cheesecake. So…, yeah.

photo of us with Pebbles the Unicorn by Marisa Reekie

I hope you enjoy this little video I made with some of my wedding footage where I rode a unicorn (not just any unicorn, Pebbles the Unicorn) into my ceremony on the beach. You can see how absolutely freezing cold I am. But it was worth every shiver.

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Don’t forget to comment, subscribe and share this video. Also, let me know if you have any questions, and check on xoJane.com for the story I wrote with lots of great tips about how to have a beautiful and inexpensive wedding.

**If you enjoyed this blog entry, please consider buying a CD or making a donation to the NY Funny Songs Fest which is coming up in NYC, May 30-June 2, 2013. Thank you!**

A nice little review from a show I did with IRTE a few weeks ago:

“The clever and sardonic, Jessica Delfino arrives to strum out songs with some truly envelope-pushing topics – like a folk song about suicide. It would be easy for some to miss the mark and insult the crowd but Delfino’s manipulation of the topic plus a Bob Newhart wit (a more modern comparison wouldn’t work with all the retro going on) made each number more hilarious than the next.”

Thanks, Outerstage.com!

And that is why you should never half-ass it at your shows, even if the crowd is light, because there are f*$&ing eyes every where, watching, listening and judging. Glad I was at least 3/4 assing it that night.

Tune in for the next installment of Auntie Jessy and her comedy advises.

You know, I have no problem with Snooki, and I never have. I think she gets a bad rap. She’s not just a small troll-sized woman who was beaten up repeatedly on The Jersey Shore both physically and by the media, she’s a sharp business woman who has figured out how to make a fortune off being abused by such boneheads and trash talkers.

And she doesn’t give a hot turkey shit what you think, she’ll dress like a giant vagina at the 2013 MTV Music Awards, with Lily Munster/Elvira-like hair to boot and you can stick it.

Go on, girl!

The funniest part of this story is that normally, I wouldn’t give a rat’s hind quarters about what Snooki was wearing to the MTV Awards, but a) vaginas are kinda my thing, and b) I was hired by this new website called Squabble, where people bicker for 15 seconds over mundane topics to weigh in on, and ours was, “Who Was The Best Dressed at MTV’s Music Awards?” I chose Snooki.

Check out my amusing e-conversation about my video from this am:

I just want anyone in the world to be able to say the word, “vagina” without it being a big deal, is that too much to ask?!

Here’s a conversation from a few days ago on Facebook. I ask:

My bro responds:

But with the email from dude above re: MTV, I wonder, is it really played out? I guess we’ll see…

TO BE CONTINUED!!

PS — If you like this post, please consider donating to the NY Funny Songs Fest fundraiser which is ending soon. You can donate $10 to get a ticket to the fest, $100 to get a ukulele, or $225 to get an awesome media maven package that includes your businesses content all over the festival. With SiriuxXM as one of the sponsors, that’s not a bad thing…

I hope you guys had a great EastOver. I spent the weekend in Philly with family. We went to see Savion Glover tap dance at some big fancy theater. I was excited to see the fellow do his thing, but there was this crazy stage that was like 18 feet tall so we couldn’t see his feet because we bought 2nd row seats thinking there’d be amazing views. Instead, dozens of people were leaving from the front of the house. They should have called the show, “Savion Glover: Live From The Shins Up”.

Well, maybe the show was a bust, but it was a great week for press. I was honored to be featured in the NY Post’s 50 Best Jokes piece that they put out every year with some amazing company: Amy Schumer, Sarah Silverman, Tig Notaro, Colin Quinn, Jim Norton and many more. You can check it out here.

NY Funny Songs Fest also got a nice plug in the back of Time Out NY. If you haven’t yet, please go to our Kickstarter page and buy a ticket in advance to fund our project. We’d appreciate it so much. We are almost halfway through the project and we still have, um, like, thousands of dollars to go. We are trying to raise money to get Dr. Demento and some other big surprise headliners paid for. If you believe in the project, please tweet our Kickstarter link, too, or share it on Facebook: http://kck.st/119XYhM

The soap bars above were sent to select members of the press last week. I love the way they turned out. I am thinking of incorporating them into Kickstarter packages. Like, maybe funders who tweet the links out every other day for the rest of the project will get one…what do you think? Do you want a bar of NYFSF commemorative hand decorated soap? Would it be worth it to you to tweet the link for the next two weeks? Or is that idea a wash? Yuk yuk yuk…

A few weeks ago, I married a lovely Jewish man. I remember when I found out he was Jewish. We were riding our bikes past the Holocaust museum late one night. “Are you Jewish?” I asked him. “Yes,” he responded. I almost choked on my saliva. That wasn’t even on my wish list, but I’d heard from a friend that Jewish men and Catholic women were a natural match (“Jewish men are really good at pleasing their mothers and Catholic women are demanding, so it’s a win-win” he said) and I’d put it in my palm pilot to definitely try dating a Jewish fellow at some point.

A few years ago, my husband’s grandmother and I were hanging out at her living room table snacking on Gveltefish, cheese and olives when I had the idea to write a song in Yiddish. With her help, we came up with, “I Wish They All Could Be Jewish Boys”. In honor of Passover, I whipped a demo together and am sharing it here with you:

I Wish They All Could Be Jewish Boys home demo

Here’s the SoundCloud link if you prefer (free download)

I apologize for any horrid pronunciations!

Enjoy. Lyrics and chords are below. In the recording, I play it on a soprano ukulele.

Am             CM7

You have such a zees-enuh neshummah

D7        F    E7

I can not forget it

Am             Am7

And how about that shaina punim?

D7        F    G7

I just want to glet it!

F         F/C             Em   Am7

You could be my favorite tsatzka

F    G      A7

Of all of my toys

Dm              Fm

So wonderful du bist

C                      D7

Come give me a pisk (not a pishk)

Ab          Bb              C

I wish they all could be Jewish boys

C       Cmaj7    C    Cmaj7

C                         Cmaj7

I don’t want a gonnif

C                              Cmaj7

But I’ll take a kloog nebbish

C                       Cmaj7        C                        Cmaj7

So come on over here, and let me pinch your tuckus

Dm                Fm          C       D7

I raise my Manishevits – to a worthy shaygitz

Ab                    Bb     C

But I’d rather have a Jewish boy

Am           Am7

Oh I’ve met a toomler or two

D7               F  E7

A schlemiel and a yold

Am                   Am7

But now I’m looking for a mench

D7                          F  G7

Who’ll treat me just like gold

F          F/C

Let’s get to know each other

Em         Am7

Grow into alta kockers

F           G      A7

I’ve nothing against a goy

Dm              Fm

But you have seychl

C                 D7

And a couple of sheckles

Ab                   Bb      C

So I’ll take you, my Jewish boy

Am        CM7      D7             F / E7

Yiedel deidel deidel deidel deidel deidel die

Am                 CM7

Come on won’t you be my bubbala

D7                         F        G7

I won’t treat you like meshugennah

F        F/C           Em      Am7

So let’s stop this potschkin around

F               G         A7

When I see you how my heart says, Oy!

Dm                       Fm

Let me take you home

C                            D7

Shalom shalom shalom!

Ab         Bb

My lovely

Bm

Oh my lovely

C / Cmaj7 / C / Cmaj7 / C / Cmaj7 / A/C#

Jewish Boy!

Comedy music. It’s a real thing. Annually, a baker’s dozen comedy musicians are misunderstood by the generial public, including music bookers and comedy club bookers. They are like, “Are you a comedian or a musician? You’re making my head hurt.”

So, today, we’re here to focus on the message, “We’re comedians AND musicians. We are comedy musicians.” Check out our awesome public service announcement about this heart wrenching topic.

Another exciting memo: We have launched our fundraising campaign. Guess what? All donations are tax deductible, cause we’re awesome like that. We want to raise 8k so that we can pay some big fancy show biz stars to come and make special guest appearances. So help us by buying your tickets / festival passes in advance, and get rewarded with some cool stuff while you’re at it (like ukuleles, limo rides, etc).

Want to see our video with some extra goodies that didn’t land on the cutting room floor? Check it out, below. This video is 100% SFW. Yeah, can you believe it? It’s clean as my grandmother’s nut sack. You know, the one she uses to collect chestnuts off the ground from the chestnut tree. She washes it every night afterwards.

Thanks for your support and I hope you enjoy the video!

photo of us with Pebbles the Unicorn by Marisa Reekie

The story of how Alex and I met is kind of magical, kind of weird, kind of beautiful, kind of random, kind of unusual, kind of a lot of things, and now it’s kind of in the New York Times Vows section. Except not kind of, it really is. Thanks to reporter John Harney for writing such a wonderful story about how I met the man I love and am now married to. I’m not going to tell you how the story goes, read it yourself!

It will also run in the Sunday NY Times with more photos, I believe. Jessica, the photographer did a lovely job with the photos as well.

Hey, so far, marriage isn’t so bad!

Lots of exciting news coming towards you like a crazy train – one made of delicious caramel that won’t hurt you, well maybe just your teeth and a little light damage around some of the internal organs, but besides that, not a bit! You know what they say, “No pain, no gain”. But how did this all happen? I was trying to tell you about the festival!

We have a super cool video coming out very soon featuring Stuckey & Murray, Ben Lerman, Rob Cantrell, Jen Kwok, Carolyn Castiglia, Mark Douglas, Mindy Raf, Mel and El, Carla Rhodes…I know, can you believe it? It’s going to be amazing. Wait til you see it.

The gang’s all here and they’re ready to rock! Left to right: (top) Jessica Delfino, Carolyn Castiglia, Jen Kwok, Cecil Sinclair, Carla Rhodes, Mindy Raf, Mark Douglas (bottom) Rob Cantrell, Mel + El, Ben Lerman

In the meantime, we’re starting our fundraising efforts. All this business goes down on Monday. But if you are so excited to give you can’t wait to start, please give via the donate button below. All donations are tax deductible and go towards securing our super secret splendid sassy super headliner, as well as a slew of other surprises. S. sss. Check back on Monday to see the video!

Oh my god! Oh my dog! Dog my god! Ohhhh!!! Ohhhhhhh!!!!!!!! Last night while the world was watching SB47 (which sounds like the name of the asteroid that almost hit us last month) and all the craziness that ensued, Dr. Demento — THE Mr. Dr. Demento — was introducing my song, “I Hate Everybody” with Rich Russo on RichRusso.net. I first heard about it from @OddLane via Twitter so I did a little research, found the podcast and listened to it — it was awesome — there’s a reason so many people love the guy, he’s just so interesting and knowledgable about novelty music — and later in the show, around the 1:19:15 mark, he introduced me in just the sweetest, most adorable way. I actually got misty eyed and goose bumpled hearing that voice that I first listened to as a 5 year old say my name and the name of my song and talk about the NY Funny Songs Fest. It was so surreal. That’s why I live in NYC, I tell myself. That’s why I pay a bajillion dollars a month for rent, and work well over 40 hours a work going to auditions, teaching music lessons, producing shows, performing in shows, writing songs, rehearsing, practicing songs and bits, planning a festival, taking classes about how to do everything from fundraise to operate Final Cut Pro — for the little magical moments, just like the one that happened tonight. I guess Super Bowel Sunday was a pretty special night after all.

If you’ve been following my blog, this has been a pretty cool week. And yesterday, I auditioned for that crazy “America’s Got Talent” show, only because I was invited to. They asked me to perform, “My P—- Is Magic” but change the words to “My You Know What Is Magic”. Artistic integri-who? “Sure, no problem,” I said, after thinking it over long and hard, for about 4 seconds. Megan and Laura, these amazing babes back up danced amazingly with awesome amazingness. I almost cried it was so good. We got an instant call back and now we just forget about it.

“My P—- Is Magic” is about to air in the UK on a tv show on Comedy Central soon (for the 2nd time) — get this — NO EDITS WHATSOEVER — but that’s fine, so America’s FCC and the national TV viewing public are mostly a bunch of sensitive puritans under the thumb of advertising bucks. It’s OK. So I changed the words. But – little known fact – I was born psychic, and I can already see the outcome:

I’m going to get cast on the show, both fortunately and unfortunately. Howard Stern will back me when he hears it. (Right, Howie?) He’ll say, “I remember a time when I was a rag tag snapper head, just trying to goof off and share my kooky sensibilities, and the man tried to hold me down, too, Delfino. If only my billions of dollars could change the FCC laws,” he’ll say. And then we’ll high five and get drunk together.

All the exposure from the show is going to bring in beaucoup dollars and change my life in profound ways. I’ll give a lot of money to charity, make my Dirty Folk Rock special which will air on Comedy Central — or maybe IFC? I’ll go on to have a series, it will be an indie hit but not get the mainstream love it deserves. I will do TV stuff for a few years, maybe have a little breakdown or get into some trouble, not sure which. I’ll make a few cult hit movies, have some kids and try to invest properly. About then, I’ll write a book or 3. I’ll toss a few hundy thou at the NYFSF and make that awesome, watch my kids grow up, get old and die in my high 80s.

Oooh, it’s so exciting! I’m so looking forward to seeing how it all unfolds…will keep you posted.