I Wore A Hazmat Suit on a Plane from JFK to LAX And Here’s What Happened

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I flew from JFK to LAX last Wed Oct. 23rd wearing a hazmat suit on the plane. Read all about what happened here, on xoJane.com.

Please donate money to Doctors Without Borders if you haven’t already, and if you already have, please do it again, if you can. Stopping the spread of Ebola at it’s start is the best way to keep it from spreading any more, and donating money to the cause will help to get and keep the resources and people that need to be there, there.

If you are in NYC, please consider going to this awesome benefit.

Lastly, if you’re going to say some shit like, “she’s making Ebola all about her”,
Ebola IS all about me. And it’s all about you and everyone else, too.

I’m a comedian and an artist, and a performer and an activist, and a witch and a big sister and a (harmless) weirdo, and this is what I do.

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I’m tenaciously trying to win Tenacious D’s Festival Supreme theme song contest

 

JD St Marks Theater
What does one do upon returning from a successful 2 week UK tour to a massive city where she falls through the cracks like an ant trying to maneuver the Manhattan sidewalk? She waits til no giant feet appear to be coming and runs into a crevice called comedy. Doing comedy in NYC is like being a cigarette butt in the ocean. There are shit tons of them and only a few cigarette butts actually wash up onto the shore. Several exes have told me that my analogies suck but I still make my attempts.
Doing comedy in a giant mega city has it’s challenges, but there’s still something very comforting about it or else I wouldn’t have been doing it for all these years. But lately L.A. has been whispering to me. I went there last March to film a segment in Dr. Demento’s documentary and I enjoyed the city so much, I knew it wouldn’t be long before I’d be back.
Thurs, Oct. 23, in fact, is when I’ll head back, to do a show at Comedy Central Stages, featuring a bunch of material from my new album, “Songs To Make War To: 14 Anarchist Anthems For The Whole Family”. I also have a new batch of funderwear, because I sold out of all the ones I made for my tour. (Yesss!) Tickets are free and the details are on my calendar.
Another reason I’m going to L.A. is because I really want to go enjoy Festival Supreme, a comedy music festival that Tenacious D created a year after I started the NY Funny Songs Fest.

Festival Supreme Theme Logo

Their festival is what mine was supposed to be, but they have oh so much money and so many more way better connections than I do. For the past two years, I’ve been dreaming up ways to get into that festival. If only I had a good agent, maybe they could make a plea for me. But I don’t. I considered emailing them myself as I do for all my bookings, but decided against it. Then this year, they opened a festival theme song contest. Many people entered, myself being one of them. Today I started in last place and I am now in 4th place. But I need your votes, and I need a lot of them. And I really want to win. The person in the lead has twice as many votes as I do.
I used to win contests a lot, like I was finalist in the Andy Kaufman Award contest twice, and I won the Emerging Comedians NY comedy contest, and I won a Village Voice Choice award, and I was a finalist on ABC’s Good Morning America Make Us Laugh All Night Long (which actually was filmed during the day…) but I guess in general, I haven’t been as contest-y as I used to be. I am crossing my fingers and hoping for a big win here, though, because it sounds like it’d be an awesome thing to win.
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I am going to Festival Supreme whether I win or not, but it’d be extra fun to be there as a performer, not some hot dog eating “punter” as the Brits call them.
Here is my video link. Please pardon my shamelessness, but maybe you can vote for me and ask everyone in your office and in your family to vote for me. The girl’s video who is in the lead was featured on a pretty big comedy website and so I guess I gotta up my game–just sitting around hoping that my song is the best one is obviously not going to be the way to win this thing.
Here is a direct link to my entry song and video:

 Go on, share it on Facebook and Twitter and stuff. You know ya wanna. And thank you.

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UK Tour Diary


JD Frome

Screen grab of a photo by David Goodman

I recently returned from a successful jaunt across the pond to the UK where I went to promote my new CD, “Songs To Make War To: 14 Anarchist Anthems For The Whole Family”. I performed at The Comedy Store, End of the Road Festival and at a church (!) in Frome, Somerset, near Stone Henge. To help support the tour, I made and sold panties with my song lyrics on them. I was lucky to get some great press before and during the trip from BUST and TheGloss.com which really helped get the word out there.

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Who needs Kickstarter when you’ve got fancy fanny frocks? (Fun fact: In the UK, fanny means vagina. Also, fag means cigarette, lift means elevator, loo means toilet, etc., but you already knew all of that because you are a sophisticated traveler and so well read!)

What? You MUST own a pair? Here’s a listing on Etsy and they will be up in my store soon.
Also, here’s a link to the new CD to download for FREE. It’s also available on Pandora.
(It’s mostly NSFW depending on where you W)
And, what’s that? You want to see photos from the tour? I hear ya! You can check them out here on Facebook.
If you have any suggestions of feminist empowered stores or boutiques in your neck of the woods that might want to carry my funderwear, or journalists or websites that might be interested in receiving a press release, please let me know.
I didn’t see this cat this time, but maybe next time.

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CD cover artwork by Alex M. Smith

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CD! Each one is handmade and one of a kind. Just like me.

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Early version of the panties

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My visit to the Vacationland: High School reunion and Maine Comedy Festival

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Holy crikies, what a wonderful past couple weeks it’s been.

I zipped up to Maine last week to visit my alma mater (does that work for high school and college?) and have my high school reunion with my fellow Lincoln Eagles. It was really trippy hanging out with all these people I used to know as kids. Some looked really great and some looked…well…beaten about a bit by life. But it was great to see them all.

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My home town, Damariscotta, Maine

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We got a tour of our old high school, which was petrifying and thrilling all at once.

 

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Here I am, sitting on “the wall” with Beth Souza, well before Game of Thrones. My old high school pals Cara and Gwen had a great time, because there was alcohol.

After the tour, we had a little reception and then moved to a nearby restaurant where one of my old classmates pulled some schemes and got me up on stage to perform. I have a video of it and I may even post it. I didn’t want to perform, I was scared to get on stage in front of my classmates for some reason. But ultimately, I’m glad I did. My old pal Sumner then took the stage and played some songs on guitar while I sang. It was ethereal. The fish and chips wasn’t bad, either.

 

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Class of ’94

My husband and I camped out because I missed the boat on getting a cabin by waiting too long. So we slept in a tent on the ground, which was actually quite fabulous, until it started pouring rain. But before the torrential showers, we’d picked up lots of goodies from Trader Joe’s and cooked up a couple pretty dope meals over open fires we started with ease. I still got it! The site we were camped in had a spread of mushrooms, everywhere–dozens of different types and colors surrounded the tent.

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L: Don’t know what it is, but wouldn’t eat it.
R: Am pretty sure what it is (psilocybin?) but still wouldn’t eat it.


I went to the library to teach a ukulele class and while I was there, I grabbed a mushroom identity book. I seriously think I ID’d psilocybin but there was no way I was going to test it. Been there, done that, done. I just looked at the pretty things and pretended I was a mycologist for 15 minutes. 

We drove around the midcoast area and enjoyed the sights in our rental car.

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L: Hazy early morning old timey car in Bristol,
R: view of Christmas Cove in South Bristol (they get good pot there)

I love driving. I spotted a VW Vanagon bus and asked how much — $12,000! Youch. I fell in love with the old thing but yikes. If anyone has a VW bus they’d like to donate to my festival, I will write you a charitable tax deduction receipt. Let’s tawk.

IMG_4786Want a tax deductible receipt for your VW Bus? Call me.

We stopped at a giant pile of garbage and bought a bunch of it, as I like to do. I got some cool vintage clothing and a unicorn pin. Once the rain began coming down, we split and headed back to NYC to wait it out.

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Only $3, good deal, right?!

A few days later, I hopped into a car with a couple strangers and headed north to Bethel, ME where Sunday River is located, to romp about in the Maine Comedy Festival.

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It was so much fun, way more so than your typical comedy event, and I love comedy and festivals. On Thursday night, we arrived at the large Bethel Inn and Resort which immediately gave off a haunted vibe, just in time to play poker, which I promptly lost at.

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L: Excellent booze slinger. R: Excellent poker player.

Mark from Sobieski vodka, the fest’s sponsor was there buying me lots more alcohol than I’m supposed to drink on a school night. I stumbled to my room and crashed out, late. 

The next day, I got up early and had a wonderful hotel breakfast on par with the 4 Seasons. My new comedian pals and I played shuffleboard and tennis, then we went and jumped into a pristine lake. I swam far from one dock to the next and baked in the sun like a warm seal. Later, we watched half our peers do their show, which was fantastic. I now have 5-7 new comedians I have crushes on. 

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L: Preparing for old age. R: Johnny Ater shows Poland Springs
what it really means to be from Maine.

Saturday, we played more shuffleboard, more tennis, walked around town a bit, then went to jump off a cliff into a pool of freezing cold mountain waterfall water called Frenchman’s Hole. I opted out, but all the crazy people I was hanging out with jumped in, save one or two other brainy ones.

IMG_4866A fashion disaster a concerned comedian pal talked me out of purchasing.

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L: Frenchman’s Hole R: Dry, smart people and one daredevil. 

We headed back to the Inn with a quick stop for some very tasty barbecue made out of a small, fluorescent orange trailer, then basked in the setting sun, goofing off like children.

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L: BBQ in a trailer. R: My boring white girl tag.

The show followed, and it was very long but wonderful. Jessica Kirson really killed the crowd as the headliner. My set was fine, but I felt a little bit out of practice. I still sold like 8 pairs of my I Love My Vagina underwear and a bunch of CDs, though, so there was that. 

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A bunch of happy customers.

It was sad on Sunday to eat breakfast for the last day of our gathering, then hit the road headed south.

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Our last breakfast together as a group. See how sad we all are?

I had such a great time and made some new BFFs who I think I’ll stay in touch with for years to come. If you ever get a chance to go to the Maine Comedy Festival in Bethel, just do it. As a matter of fact, start planning now. You will not regret it. Wow. What a shindig!

In a few weeks I’ll head for the U.K. for End of the Road fest and a few other gigs. I’ll see you in England…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Big Secret Hush Hush Ssshhh Shut Up CD Release Party

JD download hipster

Saturday, June 28th
$10 includes CD + food
Pre-order your CD here (out of town, too)
email $10 to jessdelfino at gmail dot com
via paypal.com
**Secret location will be sent out to you**

Want a little sample? 
Free song download:
soundcloud.com/jessicadelfino/hipster

Guys! Guess what? I’m so excited about my new CD coming out. I haven’t put out a CD in ages and I’m psyched about this one. Is it going to be a big hit? I’ve been doing this for long enough to know that the chances of that happening are a) almost zero, b) unimportant and c) I don’t care anymore. The TRUTH is that there’s nothing else I can do in this world but what I do. I’ve been fired from every job I’ve ever had, and connecting with people through music, my art and my mind is my life and my passion. I am thrilled if you appreciate what I do. And if you don’t, you know. Fuck off and stuff.

I just want the people who like my music to have the CD, and I want to have made some more art to add to this sinking ship before it goes down in flames. Maybe some day, an alien will find my CD in a thrift shop on Mars and think it would make a super cool coaster.

Regardless, I have something special planned, because I like special stuff and surprises and stuff. So, please save the date and pre-order a CD so I know how many CDs and how much food to feed you. Also, please note if you are a carnivore or a vegivore or a veganvore.

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Back from LA; Hustling Super Hard in Prep for NY Funny Songs Fest

The NY Funny Songs Fest is upon us for the 3rd year in a row. It will take place Thursday May 29 to Saturday May 31, 2104. I’m supposed to release the calendar tomorrow and it’s almost done but damn, there are a ton of people in this festival. It’s a lot of work. Luckily I have a good team of people helping because there’s no way I could do this alone, unless I had a magic wand and let’s say a brick or so of cocaine. I’ve never used cocaine but I’ve heard about the stuff. I can keep it more PG and more acceptable–what’s that drug that all the real estate agents do? It’s like cocaine but it’s legal and in pill form. Ah, forget it. My point is, I’m swamped.

Part of the reason I’m behind is that I have been gone much of the year. December and January I spent in Iceland, Copenhagen and Italy. March I was at SXSW in Austin. The end of April, I spent in LA. But it’s coming along, and it’s almost here.

I had a blast in LA. I met Dr. Demento and set up a celebrity scavenger hunt event for Quentin Tarantino, like he doesn’t have anything better to do. I was filmed for the Meep Morp Dr. Demento documentary and I visited a bunch of old pals I haven’t seen in awhile. I went to the beach, I sang “Thank you for being a friend” at Estelle Getty’s tomb stone, and I made a video about it all, which you can see here.

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JD Does LA April 23-28, 2014

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It’s true. I’m going out west where I, well, I don’t know if I’d say “belong”, but where I want to be right now. I’ve lived in NYC for 13 years this August and I’m still in love with the city but I’m at the point where I need a break about every 3 months. Except that I was just in Austin in March. So, maybe it’s every 30 days.

Regardless, I’ll be there! And I want to see YOU. Here is my LA wish list:

- have great audiences at my shows
- surf
- sell the TV show I’m pitching
- eat really good food
- swim at the Standard Hotel
- meet new friends and spend time with old ones
- fraternize with Quentin Tarantino, Wes Anderson and David Lynch (are they friends?)
- get a tan
- write at least 1 song about California
- drive on the PCH in a muscle car
- Dr. Luke will become my new best friend at the ASCAP expo

That’s pretty much it. Am I missing anything? Friends! I am a big supporter of DOING THINGS on my adventures, so email me and tell me about your show / picnic / beach house / party / dog / favorite coffee shop and I want to check it out. I also want lots and lots of stage time so please tell me about that, too.

Here’s my Facebook event page with all the events and shows I have planned: https://www.facebook.com/events/694894650552285/?context=create&source=49#

And I posted my dates below, as well.

Email me at mail at jessicadelfino dot com and tell me wut is wut.
See you so soon!

LA SHOW DATES: 

Wed, April 23
9 PM
Show: Uncle Lou’s Safe Place
Echoes Under Sunset
1310 Glendale Blvd.

Thurs, April 24
12 PM
I’ll be attending the ASCAP I Create Music Expo, join me!

Also on Thurs, April 24
7 PM
Josh and Josh Show
Bar Lubitsch
7702 Santa Monica Blvd

Also on Thurs, April 24
10 PM
Genghis Cohen Restaurant, Bar & Music
740 N. Fairfax Ave
featuring Kelly Dwyer and Scout Durwood!

Sunday, April 27
10:30 PM
The Comedy Music Circus
ioWest – Mainstage

Monday, April 28
7 PM
Show: Kurt Braunholer & Kristen Schaal’s Hot Tub
The Virgil
4519 Santa Monica Blvd

Monday, April 28
10:30 PM
The SetList
ioWest

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Neighborhood Casinos?

Walking around my neighborhood late at night, I keep seeing weird little casinos here and there. I am not sure if they are legal or not, but I see the door open and people playing cards and what have you. I want to stick my head in and ask if I can throw down a $20 but I’m afraid I’ll get yelled at in Mandarin.

Plus, I think that there’s a dress code to these places. I noticed that in Atlantic City, it seems to range from sun visors, pleated pants, fanny packs and nurse sneakers to straight up Armani suits. But in my hood, they are dressed up in that model-esque look of indie tee shirts cool hats.

Besides my neighborhood and Atlantic City, where else does one gamble? I remember seeing slightly covert yet quite visible casinos in Ireland, we all know that cruise ships are essentially floating casinos, and who of us hasn’t heard of Mohegan Sun? Yet you apparently can also gamble online if you don’t want to have to look at people’s horrible faces. I can totally relate. One place my friend loves to online gamble at is www.gamingclub.com/au. I’ve really only ever gambled with my dad and other drunk dudes in the form of basement cards at family gatherings. I remember playing a card game with my dad where he was dealing. I’ll never be able to wash the sound out of my ears of him exclaiming, “In this round, Soul Sistas are wild, talkin’ bout black queens!”

I was thinking of having a birthday party at one of the local casinos in my neighborhood if I can make it work. If not, maybe I’ll just have a casino themed birthday party. That’d be fun. I could make one of those spinny wheels (is that Craps?) and have a pro dealer. I could insist on 70s polyester wardrobe only and play the movie Casino on a big screen. I actually met a pro casino card dealer once at one of my shows. She made serious bank and said she dealt at private parties, too. I like the idea of calling my birthday party, “Oh, Craps: A Whole Nother Year, GONE!”

Some back up options are,

“It’s Jessica Delfino’s Birthday Party, DEAL WITH IT!”

“She’s Quite A Card: Jessica Delfino’s Birthday Party!”

“Her Slot Is Still Magic: Delfino’s Turning 30 something!”

I think the first one (Oh, Craps) is my favorite.

What would you call my Casino themed birthday party? Answer in the comments below. C’mon, you know your idea is the best one of them all.

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South By South WOWZERS

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The NY Funny Songs Fest hit the road last week to rock out at SXSW and to sum it up in 4 words, I’ll just say 1. It 2. Was 3. A 4. Blast.

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A few New Yorkers even joined me in my adventures. Kelly Dwyer, Ross Plotkin and Camille Harris toted instruments, glittered outfits and themselves down to Austin and together, we promoted the mission of the Funny Songs Fest: to find funny musicians and to share funny songs. You can see our names below on Post-Its. Here’s a video that Post-It made for the NY Funny Songs Fest.

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We performed at a bunch of venues, including The New Movement Theater, DailyMotion’s event at The Hideout, Austin Pride’s RAWK show, Buzz Kill at the Buzz Mill (a great comedy show) and other stages, living rooms, nooks and crannies. My dear artist pal (and our festival logo designer) Polina Vo and Camille’s mom and husband also came down to party with us.

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Here is a photo of the cute fortune cookies Polina made to hand out to new friends.

Some of the highlights for the festival for me personally were hanging out with old and new friends at Esther’s Follies, hanging out at The New Movement Theater and seeing and meeting all the comedians there, Chris Gethard’s show where the audience turned him into a human sundae (and then got to take a bite), all the free yummy food everywhere (Late Night with Seth Myers gave out Shake Shack burgers and fries!).

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Paul Provenza’s Setlist show was awesome and featured TJ Miller and others who were really great, the #KegsNEggs Comedy Central party rocked, free cab rides home by Uber after partying late into the night were much appreciated, seeing the last half of Hannibal Burress’s new movie “Live from Chicago” was awesome, hanging out with friends and seeing Chromeo at the Fader Tent, who I really  liked, attending the brunch music event at Four Seasons and seeing rapper Schoolboy Q at the Soundcloud tent. I also loved the trade show. The festival was just so much fun from top to bottom. So much good stuff happened, I can’t even really remember it all. But that could also be the booze. Though I didn’t drink a ton. Or maybe I did, who knows? Maybe all the alcohol I drank is just clouding my memory. If you’ve never been to SXSW, you must go next year. Just buy your plane tickets now.

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Here I am having breakfast at the Four Seasons. No, I am NOT hung over at all. That band played at the music brunch. They were great. I forget their name.

Here are the donuts my friends and I ate at 3 am at Gordo’s evil donut truck.

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Here is a very handsome man who gave the festival attendees free sausages.

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Here are two of the breakfasts my Austin host made for me. Gotta love that Southern hospitality, RIGHT!?!

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Here is the super awesome gentleman who gave me free rides all over Austin. Just because.

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Here’s a little SXSW coverage video I had a cameo in.

Here is some local Austin art.

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Here I am in a money booth, grabbing all the free money I could grab. Yes. That was a thing at SXSW. I snagged $25.

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Here is my new Austin friend Chloe who I adore. We didn’t get to see 2Chainz but we will. Oh, we will.

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This is a picture of a little guy who didn’t make it through the festival. :( RIP little lizard.

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If you want to learn more about the NY Funny Songs Fest, you can visit our websites. We’ll be in Philly at the end of March, in LA at the end of April, in NYC at the end of May and Montreal at the end of July. Submissions are now open, by the way.

All festival long, people were making up SXSW words. Some worked, some didn’t. The free sausage truck I liked a lot did #SXSWurst. A comedian called the fest the #SXSworst. I overheard a passerby call it #SXSBreast. I titled this piece, #SXSWowzers.

Go on, add your own in the comments. You know you want to.

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Boogie With Flu

This year’s flu has a real attitude problem. If it’s a “she”, she’s suffering from severe PMS. If it’s a “he”, he hasn’t gotten laid in awhile. Whatever the deal is, this invisible little creep is a killer. It found it’s way into my body unfortunately and I’ve been struggling with it for a week now. But I’ve found some tricks and I’d like to share them with you so that if you get this terrible house guest, you and your immune system will be better poised to deal with it. I am not a doctor, I’m just a big sister and an experienced flu victim. If you are in need of serious medical attention, don’t be a boner, as my dad used to love to say. Just go to the Emergency room, and toot sweet. But if you think you just need a little TLC and some good flu tips, read on.

1. Don’t even try to do anything. Just cancel your plans for a week. But Jessica, how am I supposed to pay my bills? Figure it out later. Chances are, the monster will leave you immobile as it did me, so that even if you did want to go to work, you’ll be incapable of doing anything other than whimpering “mommy” while your nose drips like a literal faucet. Plus, sharing is caring except when the flu is concerned.

2. Splurge, go on and get the Puffs Plus. As aforementioned, your nose will run like someone left the water on. You will blow and wipe it so raw that it will resemble roast beef by the time you’re done with it. So might I suggest a very soft and delicate tissue?
Between blowings, use some lotion or Vaseline on your poor schnoz.

3. If you can, go to a doctor or a family doc pal, get a prescription bottle of promethazine with codeine. It is the only thing that will allow you to sleep besides straight up sleeping pills. It also keeps you from coughing. Promethazine is an anti-histamine, which is listed as one of the few drugs that will help you to find relief from the flu.

4. Zinc and C it up, sure, why not, but what will really help is rest. Just sleep. Sleep in the morning, sleep in the afternoon. If you start feeling ok and think about doing some laundry or going to meet a friend for lunch, don’t. Just. sleep. Sleep all day. Sleep as much as you can while you can because when you want to sleep on purpose, you will be coughing too much to be able to sleep.

5. Next year, get the flu shot. No, it won’t give you the flu and it probably won’t give you any other creepy size affects. Just take it. Especially if you’re pregnant.

6. If you have anyone who can help you, mom, dad, friend, child, husband, implore them to do so. You can’t handle this beast on your own.

7. Stay hydrated. I recommend Gatorade, diet Ginger Ale and seltzer water. Orange Juice is also soothing on the throat and water yourself like you’re a plant. Constantly be sipping something. If you are sleeping and you wake up, drink something. No booze. Not even hot toddy’s. Plan to pretty much just eat liquid and soups for the next week. Perk: You will lose about 3-5 pounds.

8. Ibuprofen every 6 hours. If you get a fever, and you probably will (I had one of 103 for several days), take Ibuprofen every 6 hours until it breaks. Also, if you don’t already have one, buy a thermometer.

9. While you’re at the store getting Puffs Plus, just splurge and get the following items: cough drops, liquid beverages and soups, your favorite decongestants and any comfort items like a magazine though you won’t really be well enough to read it for days. Spoil yourself a little because you may be facing armageddon with this one.

10. Hang in there and don’t lose hope. When your face is throbbing with the pain of a small truck being parked on it, and you’re coughing up blood and stuff that will scare and sicken you to know it came from your body, just remember that you are healthy and this is the natural course of the flu. Stay positive and take this time to treat yourself well.

11. Meditate. If you’re about to lose your mind because you haven’t slept right for a week and your body aches and you can’t take it any more, try closing your eyes, taking a deep breath and just trying to meditate–that is, relax, breathe in and out, focus on the sounds of your breath and nothing more. If thoughts come to you, let them come and go. I meditated to try to sleep one night and met a spirit guide for the first time. His name was Val and he was from New Jersey. It was probably flu induced mania and hallucinations from not sleeping properly for days, but it was a fun experience. Maybe you too, will find your spirit guide during the flu.

12. Don’t spread the flu. Stay home. Try to limit your interactions with innocent bystanders. Wash your hands a lot. Don’t touch your eyes and stuff and then touch the refrigerator. If you cough, cover your mouth with the inside of your armpit. The flu virus can live for 2-8 hours on a surface. Spray things with Lysol and laugh with glee as you devastate a whole colony of tiny would be assassins. If your kids have the flu, don’t take them to music lessons.

They say that this year’s flu was especially hard on “young people” for some reason, so if you got the flu and it’s really hard on you, hey, at least you’re (probably) still young. Don’t forget to rest, stay hydrated and stay positive and you’ll kick this bug’s butt and fast.

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