Happy New Year, Y’alls

I haven’t been updating my blog much lately because I’ve been keeping busy writing a new blog on Medium called One And Done Mom about being a new mom of just one baby. I also tweet at @OneAndDoneMom. There’s also a Facebook page. No bigs, but I’m a top writer in the Parenting section over there which is a nice pat on the back for a weary new mom. #HumbleBrag #2015Hashtags

I’ve been doing a lot of writing for other publications, as well. I wrote a cover story for High Times about Moms Who Smoke Pot and am currently working on some other stories about parenting. But I made time to mosey back over because I wanted to wish my blog readers a happy new year.

So, here it is. Happy 2018, friends. As I look back on the year, I note that it was one of the harder, if not hardest years of my life. I recovered from a c-section surgery and struggled through postpartum depression and anxiety while caring for my new baby, watching him grow from a helpless infant to an extremely independent toddler. I shelved one iteration of me to allow for a new me to unfold. I came to terms with the fact that I will only ever have one baby. I wrote a ton and sold my first cover story (to High Times). I watched my husband’s work grow and collaborated with him on some great projects. I am down to the weight I was my junior year of high school. Life is not ever simple or just easy, but things feel mostly stable for now. This year, my hopes are that I will continue to support myself through writing and creative endeavors, spend lots of time with people who I love and work to be a great mom and wife to my little family. That’s it! See yous around the internet.

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One And Done Mom

I’m a comedian, though I don’t get on stage as much as I like to or used to any time before I was 8 months pregnant. I am a writer, an artist and I make tampon ornaments for the holidays every November 1 through Christmas and sell them on my Etsy page. have a small booth where I sell antiques and other odds and ends. I teach music lessons – ukulele, guitar and vocals. Shit, I do lots of things. And now I am a mom blogger. I have had a blog–this blog, in fact–since 2006, I think. Heck, maybe earlier. I have been writing with passion and love for the craft since I was a kid and think it is the root of my music and my comedy, as well, and one of my main strengths. I started writing mom blog posts on my personal blog here but I wanted to build a special home for my mom blog, so upon the suggestion of a friend, Mandy Stadtmiller (who is also a writer, an excellent one at that and one who has a book coming out soon) I started my mom blog, One And Done Mom. In it, I chronicle the adventures of being a parent of one child only. One husband, one cat, one baby. I also started a Facebook page and a Twitter page to go with the blog. Please join me there.

(This is not the actual cover of the issue I’m in)

As a side note, I have a story coming out in High Times’ February issue (on news stands this December) about moms who smoke pot. Please buy 10 and stick them in the stockings of all your stoner mom friends. THANK YOU.

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My Son Is Obsessed With BeatBelle

I took my 1 year old into a toy store on a whim, just to take a walk through and see if anything caught his eye. At home, his favorite toys are empty plastic bottles, anything gross and whatever he shouldn’t be touching. “What toys do you like?” I asked W, carrying him close to the toy-lined shelf. “Do you see anything fun?” I hoped he might reach out of my arms and select something that appealed to him but I didn’t expect him to do so, and I was actually kind of surprised when he leaned over and grabbed a little creature that looked like a rabbit person with big striped ears, a pink bobble head, a yellow face, a white body and purple shoes. His touch set her off, and she began playing high energy dance music, and singing and talking, very loudly. Her stomach had what I could best describe as a dancing rave party light that sent him into a trance. I had no idea what she was saying, it sounded like gibberish to me, but he was clearly stricken.

I walked around the store, offering him the opportunity to touch other toys but he wouldn’t let the rabbit person creature go. Another mom saw the thing in my son’s hand. “My daughter loves that toy,” she said to me. “It keeps her busy for like 20 minutes and I can actually get something done.” I was intrigued, then immediately felt guilty about it, intrigued, then felt guilty…I hated the idea of liking the thought of my kid being occupied by some dumb toy so I could have less than 100% concentration on him for 15 minutes but then again, sometimes it’s nice to poop without a baby on your lap, you know?

I plunked down the $12.99 for the toy and hoped I wouldn’t regret purchasing it. I kept it out of sight until we were in a safe place, imagining some knucklehead yelling, “Shut that god damn thing off!”, ripping it out of W’s hand and chucking it down the street, because it was that loud and annoying. But again, baby boy liked it so…, and the thought of pooping without a infant on my lap was just too enticing.

When we got home I took the toy out for him and he went frickin’ nuts. He was laughing and holding it like I imagine a cave man held the women they chose to possess. He dragged the thing around the house as it yelled and sang, “Clap clap clap to the beat!” and “Beatdown! Beatdown!” What did it say? What was it saying?

I looked up the toy and found the name of the toy was “Bright Beats TM Juniors” and she was saying her name, “BeatBelle“.  I also learned there was a boy version, and his name is BeatBo. There are 2 sizes, a small one and a big one, and the big one dances and apparently the kids love to dance with them.

So if you’re headed to the party of a child of a frenemy or boss you don’t really like, I very strongly recommend showing up with this thing in hand. The kid will love it, and it will drive everyone else a little nuts.

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The Archetypes Of My Apartment Complex

Every building has a cast of characters and mine is no different. Let me set the scene for you a little bit. I live in a very old school building that you have to get on a list to live in. It was built in the early 1900s and has a shit ton of units in it. Hundreds. It’s massive. It has a large, sprawling, well-manicured courtyard that almost every apartment has a window that looks over. The median age range is, I’d say people in their 50s and the community is referred to as a “NORC”, a naturally occurring retirement community because people move in and it’s nice enough that they mostly never leave, at least not by choice.

So that’s the scenario. Here are some of the characters who frequent the building’s courtyard and surrounding area.

Mr. Sneezes
Mr. Sneezes, well, sneezes. A lot. 5, 6, 7 times in a row. Sometimes more. I hear him in the morning while I’m having oatmeal. His sneeze is a booming loud sneeze that often breaks the sound barrier and leaves goosebumps on my neck. Is it TB? Is he allergic to the flowers but MUST sit beside them due to potent OCD? Does he just have a cold all the time? WTF IS UP WITH MR. SNEEZES?

The Cat Lady
Every borough, every village, every street, every building in NYC has a notorious cat lady or 10. They are everywhere, and this city seems especially furry with them. But our building happens to have a very special cat lady. She has personally made it her job to take care of the stray cat community in the building’s courtyard. No one pays her, I don’t even know if she knows where she is. But she feeds all the sad, mangy, feral cats and pets them, every day. Thank Goodness–every creature needs to be pet from time to time.

The Mom From The Goonies
The Mom from the Goonies is a nice enough and in fact, quite pleasant older lady. She just happens to have the same voice as the mom from the goonies and a more than passing resemblance to her. I can imagine her smacking someone in the head or driving a beat up Jeep Cherokee as I type this. She’s cool, and The Goonies is one of my favorite movies of all time. But still. Mom from the Goonies. All that she’s missing is the beret.

The Friendliest Marine In The World
He has tinnitus in one ear. He’s super nice, and he’s, like, the mayor of the building or something. I think he was a lawyer a long time ago, or he went to jail enough times to know a lot about the courts, but that’s doubtful, he seems too awesome. I adore him. He hugs and kisses me every time he sees me. He was once a marine. He is whip smart. He is as tall as a light post and always well-dressed in a button down shirt and khakis. Nary a day goes by when I don’t see him. I think he has a timeshare in Florida. He has one of the biggest, fanciest apartments in the complex, a 3 bedroom, I think. He seems to be able to make things happen with a word and a whisper. He’s the friendliest marine in the world.

Gosh, there are so many more wack-a-doo characters. I haven’t even gotten into the lady with the giant white dog, the lady with the tiny white dog, the weird security guard who reminds me of the lead singer of Fine Young Cannibals, the older Asian lady who is always smacking herself in the back, stomach and chest, (there are actually like 20-30 or so of that particular archetype), the Russian nanny who is always sleeping, the wormy management guy who my actual nickname for is “the worm” but upon further investigation of him, he’s not the worst guy ever, just wormy, and so on and so on.

I wonder how they’d describe me?

White Lady With A Baby Who’s Making All Our Rent Go Up
Every day, this corny white lady strolls outside pushing a giant carriage with her baby in it who is cute now but one look at him tells you he’s going to grow up and be a bruh or a pain in the ass. She always wears a big green hat like she’s on safari and giant sunglasses like she’s a celebrity or something but I’ve never seen her in anything except our courtyard. She and her husband always get a million Amazon boxes delivered. They are hiding from someone or are the most laziest people in the world. She and her husband also sometimes take the baby for walks together. The husband is tall and always dresses in black even when it’s 100 degrees out. Kinda weird folks, but at least they seem friendly.

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Just Your Typical 4:32 am Post

They say if you’re a writer you will write. “You will find time,” they say. They say, “Just write a little bit every day.” Some set alarms to wake up early to write for an hour before the baby gets up. Some wake up at 4:32 every day now and don’t need alarms. Who needs an alarm when you have a human alarm clock, alarming you every few hours of the night?

I wonder if my mom or your mom or our grandmothers were plagued with the compulsion to get up and write at 4:32 am. I doubt it.

This scintillating and fascinating post that is so important it must be written at 4:32 am is being written via iPhone. Because I don’t have the luxury of quietly slipping out of bed to write. My baby sleeps beside me in our one bedroom apartment and guards my every waking night move like a tiny jail guard. I better not wake him lest he will respond with a howl and fine me one boob. So I don’t. Instead, I peck silently into a mini creativity releasing new post. Is this what creativity is? This word dump? For me, yeah, I guess so. For now.

One thing that gives me comfort is knowing that all over this city and this world, other mothers are doing the same, in the thousands if not millions. They are cutting patterns, reading, dreaming up plans, writing novels, tidying their homes and releasing those creative endorphins that get back piled up after days of playing, changing, fretting, walking, living with a baby. I choose to tap some tepid thoughts into an iPhone. At 4:32 am. That’s my creative contribution slash outlet. For today. For now. I also tweet. I have dreams. Big dreams. I have goals. Plans. Ideas. Thoughts. Work to do. Big works. Huge, in fact! I am not nobody. I’m somebody. And I’ll prove it. One day. One day soon maybe. Or maybe not for many years. Or maybe never at all. But for now, I’m doing what I said I’d do, what I told myself I’d do. I’m writing. At 4:32 am. I’m writing this little post and this counts. It matters. It’s gas to get me to the next day, through the next day.

Baby twitches and sighs beside me. Light is bothering him. Time to go, for now, or face the consequences. See you again next time, thoughts and dreams.

 

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Mama’s got a brand new reel

Thanks to the patience and ability of Ms. Jorja Hudson, I am able to share my new reel with you today. I’ve spent the last year working hard at being a good mom and not doing much of anything else. But I’m coming up for air and am glad to be able to say the early hard days are getting a little easier, allowing me time to do things like go out, see friends, and hang out with people who aren’t less than a year old.

Enjoy my reel! Pass onto all your big time pals. Thanks <3

 

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7 Healthy Easy Meals That Every Brand New Busy Tired Hungry First-Time Mom Can Totally Toss Together With Her Eyes Closed (Or Swollen Shut From Lack Of Sleep / Crying) + A Few Handy Food Tips and a Shopping List

Top L to Bottom R: Oatmeal photo gallery with incredible assortment of delectable topping choices
I know, mama, and on behalf of all moms everywhere, WE know. This next few months is going to knock you on your ass, babe, but you’ll be OK. However, you MUST eat. And if you can, eat well. Your baby depends on you being healthy and sane. Maybe you have some help but when you don’t, refer to these easy recipes and eat. I know it feels like even putting on pants right now is a struggle. Pants are stupid. I call them “society shackles” and I try not to wear them indoors. You will be ok! But first and foremost, you need that good nutrition you hear people talk about. I lost 15 pounds from breastfeeding, because baby eats up to 20 oz of milk a day. So chomp down lots of foods that will fill your ass up for hours, if possible. Like some of the meals below.
The “This Shit Is Hard” Oatmeal Protein Bowl
Oatmeal. I swear by this one. Cook a giant container of it after baby is in bed one night and eat it through the week or set it up at night then make and let it cook in the am while you dress and feed baby. I measure 1/2 cup of oatmeal and one cup of water because 1 serving is a huge amount of satisfying food and has a filling 120 calories.
Plus oatmeal aids in lactation, it’s good for your heart and colon, it makes you feel grown up and it’s cheap AF. And they even make it gluten free though I find it not as filling. But here’s what separates the girls from the moms: toppings. Go nuts with your bad breastfeeding calorie needin’ self. Try one, three or all of the following together: Banana, almond or peanut butter, cinnamon, chocolate chips, scoop of yogurt, blueberries, slice of pie, dash of hopes and dreams, new mom tears… you get the idea.
Pretty much anything works on top of oatmeal and that bad bowl of yes please will keep you full for hours. Eat it for lunch and dinner too, because why tf not?
Hot Tip: Try a slice of Whole Foods flourless chocolate cake on top. Repeat every few days for 6 months – the rest of your life.
“Power Through It” Chia Seed Pudding
This healthy meal is so easy to make, it actually preps while you sleep (ha, sleep!). Chia seeds are a super food  which means they’re good as hell for you. Plus a doctor guy I know told me that eating seeds 2x a week can add up to 2 years onto your life–more time to spend with your new baby love. Put a cup of seeds into any bowl and add a cup of almond milk, a squirt of agave, honey or your preferred sweetener, and mint, along with raspberries or any other fruit you have. Stick into fridge to set for a few hours and go to sleep.
Hot Tip: Wake up at 2 am, ravenous and eat cold, or heat up later when you’re feeling more civilized and top with cream or a scoop of sorbet.
“It’ll All Be OK” No Bake (Or Bake If You Wanna) Cookies
This one you can practically do while changing a diaper. In a large bowl, smoosh 3 bananas, a cup of oatmeal,
A large squirt of honey or your preferred seeetener, 2 or so heaping tablespoons of peanut butter, chocolate or butterscotch chips and any nuts or seeds you like. Add a little almond milk or water if you need some lube. Smash together until it has the consistency of a chunky bowl of granola bar. Scoop spoonfuls onto a cookie sheet and bake for 10 mins or don’t. Alternatively, you can mush this into a giant square, bake and then cut into bars. Put into a container and nibble when you get the hunger, or freeze.
Hot Tip: Eat right out of the bowl with a spoon.
The “I Got This” Smoothie
Leave your blender set up and out if you can and lean on it when you’re not strong, during the hard early days. Don’t measure, that’s for people without infants. You’re a mom now and you don’t have to do things like “use cups”. Eyeball in a couple servings of any kind of milk, toss a peeled banana or 2 or any fruit in, add a spoonful of cocoa, a glob of peanut butter, a scoop of ice, handful of nuts, the sweetener you like and blend, baby, blend!
Hot Tip: Cry loudly while the blade spins. No one can hear you.
“Do It For Baby” Protein Rice Bowl
When my LO was raisin sized, my mantra was, if I can’t do it for me, I will do it for him. I was tired, after an unplanned C section, I hurt, both physically and emotionally, and I was feeling abandoned by friends and family. PTSD hit hard and some days, I can’t count how many times I cried. But I knew I had to eat and eat well so I could feed him and refuel myself. I set up rice in the rice maker (do you have one? If no, why not? They are cheap and so easy to use.) I put one cup brown rice (use brown for better nutrition) and two cups water in the rice maker and went back to bed. With the rice, you can do a lot–eat it with your fingers, add butter and salt and it tastes like popcorn, add soy sauce  and mustard and hot sauce and it tastes like Chinese food. (I call this “white fire and ate it all through college, although today I’d call it brown fire and use brown rice instead). Add sugar, milk and cinnamon or chocolate chips while it’s still warm and it’s a dessert, kind of like rice pudding. Add avocado, olives, tomato and lettuce and it’s a Mediterranean style meal. Add beans and it’s Mexican. My point is, it’s stupid easy to make and use and cooks while you sleep. Keyword: sleep.
Hot Tip: Half the rice and add extra water plus any veggies in your fridge and a bouillon cube to the rice maker and you’ve got a nourishing soup.
“It Will Get Easier” Soup
Fill a large pot with water and add a few scoops of miso paste to the water. Let it boil. Tada! Miso soup. You can also do this with bouillon cubes for chicken, beef, seafood or vegetable soup. Add veggies if you have them but it’s not important right this second. For now, drink the hot nourishing broth and live to fight another day.
Hot Tip: Don’t add salt and add less bouillon or miso than you think you’ll need because that stuff is way mega salty. This is also a sneaky way to drink more water to help promote breastfeeding.
“Welcome To Your New Life!” Egg Dishes
Boil a whole dozen eggs and then put them in the fridge. When you’re hungry, eat a hard boiled egg. Take an egg and chop it up. Add it to the rice bowl above. Mash up a few and add mayo for egg salad or an egg sandwich.
Hot Tip: Wash your hands after handling raw eggs. It’s a no brainer but it’s easy to forget to do when you’re tired.
Not A Meal But Ideas To Make Water More Fun To Drink So You Will Drink Lots Of It
– Add cucumber slices
– Add lemon or lime slices
– Add strawberries or any berries
– Add apple cider vinegar
– Add a tea bag
– Decaf coffee and diet soda and seltzer count as water! To make coffee fill you up so hard, add a pat of butter to it. (It’s like adding cream to coffee but much more filling and pretty damn tasty too, believe it or not).
– Add a bouillon cube or miso paste
– Add ice or flavored ice (ice cubes with a berry added to each cube compartment)
– Add your favorite crystal or rock to the bottom of the glass (be sure not to swallow it, duh)
– Add good vibes and healing energy–YOU GOT THIS!!
Healthy Easy Shopping List: Write a list to carry with you so that you know what you need and don’t waste time at the grocery store. (What’s time and how do I waste it?) Here are some items to get you started and to help you with the recipes listed above:
Staple Shopping List
Oatmeal
Peanut or Almond Butter
Bananas and whatever fruit and berries are on sale
Large bag of Kale, pre-shredded (when things settle, you can buy the stalks again, clean them, strip them, etc.)
Tomatoes, avocados and whatever veggies are on sale
Brown Rice
Bouillon or Miso
Yogurt
Eggs
Milk
Nuts (most nuts are expensive but peanuts will do, or anything on sale, or trail mix is a good often cheap alternative)
Extras Shopping List
Chia seeds
Ice Cream
Pie
Coffee
Butter
Apple Cider Vinegar
Tea / Diet soda / Seltzer
Cocoa powder
Sweetener
Flourless chocolate cake
Chocolate or butterscotch chips or a bar of dark chocolate
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Photo Tutorial: How To Clip Baby’s Nails

I’ve gotten so many emails from my readers asking, “How do I clip my baby’s nails?” Just kidding. I’ve gotten zero emails from readers asking that. But people always write that on their blog posts and I wanted, for one minute, to try pretending that I have lots of friends and followers and some kind of massive blog reading fan base of people who consider me some kind of authority on baby fingernails. Let me tell you – it was fun! Try it sometime.

OK, now back to reality. I don’t know how many people read this blog. It’s not monetized. I do it for kicks and to keep my brain moving, my fingers typing, my thoughts swirling and my time occupied in a mostly productive way.

If you like this tutorial, please pass it on. That’s my paycheck.

Oh, PS. I started a little Twitter account all about baby stuff. It’s called @TheCooNetwork. Get it? Because when a baby takes over your life, it’s “a coo”. Ha. Hm. Heh.

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Mommy And Me Macarons – An Easy Macaron Recipe For Anyone With A Baby

I’m one of those kooky moms who does things with a baby. Here is a picture of me last weekend cross country skiing with the poor little guy strapped to my chest. Trust me when I say these activities are for ME and not for him. It keeps me sane to DO THINGS. Not that I ever was 100% sane to begin with. But being a mom naturally reduces that percentage even further.

Let’s talk about these cookies. Macarons have a real attitude problem (after all they are French – HA!), and so I have concocted a recipe that has been simplified so that even people with babies (moms!) can make them. Have you ever tried to make macarons WITHOUT a baby, much less with one? They are as hard as the first month of breastfeeding to make. For starters, egg whites are “fussy” (says every recipe I’ve seen, none of these people have ever experienced the fuss of an infant at 2, 4 and 7 a.m., clearly, or the egg fussiness level would be about as mentionable as hiccups) and the bowls and dishes used have to be immaculately clean, which is so the enemy of having an infant. I don’t even remember what immaculately clean feels like. I’m barely sure what day today is. Just kidding now that my little guy is older, but 3 months ago I wouldn’t have been.

So, I got it in my silly head that I wanted to learn how to make macarons (not macaROONS, the sweet coconut lump treats) and I started Googling macaron recipes. The first thing I noticed was that they are all long as hell. So I condensed steps to help make them easier for MOMS or anyone with a little baby to make. My full recipe is below.

There are 15 speedy steps.

MOMMY AND ME MACARONS

  1. Strap baby to chest in sling. A Bumbaroo or a Beeble or any other weird sounding named or Scandinavian sling will do.
  2. Google “Macaron recipe easy fast”.
  3. Take 3 eggs out of the fridge. Change baby’s diaper. Try to plan this for when you’re sure it’s a #2 so it’ll take a few minutes.
  4. Measure out 1/4 c. white sugar, 1 2/3 c. powdered sugar, 1 c. finely ground almonds (buy Bob’s Mill Almond Meal and save yourself 20 minutes of grinding almonds. What new mom has time to ground and sift almonds let alone MAKE MACARONS?!?).
  5. Gather all supplies, lay parchment paper onto baking sheets, realize you are missing the cookie template, say f@#% it, you’ll have to eyeball them, there’s only a small window of baby cooperation here and that window is closing faster than you can say butter cream filling or goo goo ga ga, your choice.
  6. Crack eggs and separate whites. Toss yolks. Some people save yolks and do things with them, like some kind of super heroes. *Be careful not to get yolk OR baby saliva in the whites!
  7. Sanitize / wash hands 3-4 times, or more if you’re a BRAND new mom. Babies & raw eggs = bad mix. (You’re encouraged to eat salmon, DIScouraged to eat Salmonella.
  8. Set baby down because whipping egg whites while holding an infant is akin to shaking the baby, and you’re not supposed to do that. Dump white sugar into whites and beat those eggs but good. Use this as an excuse to take out any internal anger and de-stress. Think about your useless birth plan, friends who vanished, how much you miss martinis. Beat, beat, beat. When eggs turn the color of foremilk and the texture of yogurt, OR you’re crying, stop. Add “Buy an electric blender” to your never ending to do list.
  9. Oh, shit–Did you preheat the oven to 285 – 300? Do that now!!
  10. Sift almonds and powdered sugar into a bowl. Toss any little lumps aside. You’re a mom now.
  11. Fold almond / sugar mixture into whites the way you fold laundry — like it’s your new job. Fold quickly – 30 strokes with a rubber spatula. No, this is not a chapter in 50 Shades of Grayish or whatever it’s called.
  12. Dump the batter into a piping bag, or for us normal folks who don’t have access to a french patisserie, plop it into a sandwich bag and cut the corner off for an instant piping bag. Pipe onto cookie sheet covered in parchment paper in fast half dollar sized dollops. Some say use a silicone mat on a cookie sheet, but what is this, House Beautiful? Who the hell has a silicone mat kicking around? Pipe faster, the baby is whining from his play mat where you *might* have left him just a few minutes too long and you have about 30 seconds before it escalates into a full blown howl. 
  13. Breast feed or give baby a bottle while cookies set for a bit, uncooked on the tray. This is apparently an important step. Some say let them sit the length of lap sit story time at the library, others suggest a good long cry in the shower.
  14. Place the cookies, one sheet at a time in the oven and cook for 8-10 minutes each.
  15. You know the macarons are done when the baby is asleep, or after about 10 minutes, and every dish in the kitchen is dirty.

Enjoy! If you try the recipe, I’d love to hear your feedback in the comments below, or tweet pics at me @JessicaDelfino. For filling, by the way, a classic buttercream works, and easy stuff too, like peanut butter and jelly. You know. Like the sandwich you’re going to get really good at making with your eyes closed in a few years.

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Has Anyone Seen This Bear?

At approximately 9:14 a.m. this morning, I rolled my son over to do tummy time and I discovered this:

image2-2
It’s what appears to be the hand print of a…bear? Dog? What kind of animal would paw at my son’s behind when no one was looking?

Yes, it appears that a bear or dog of some kind (though it could have also been a raccoon?) smacked or high-fived my son’s bottom. Perhaps it happened in the night or when I looked away for one minute?

I’ve been considering potential culprits and have determined:

-the animal had 3 fingers (perhaps it lost some in a forest fire? Or maybe it only ever had 3 fingers)

-it wasn’t too large judging by the size of the paw print

-it had access to blue paint or dye?

I don’t know if this bear/dog/raccoon is dangerous or not, but I looked online to see if anyone else has experienced this and I found that this creature, or others like it, have been busy.

image4-2image3-2

Whatever animal pawed at these babies bottoms had 4 fingers. I’m leaning towards bear at this point, and I have a few pretty solid leads:
grumpy_bearm_3_by_aprilsparrow-d4jnw38

Grumpy Bear, the most troubled of the Care Bears.

160930113530-teddy-ruxpin-return-780x439

Teddy Ruxpin. I’ve never trusted this dude. I mean, just look at those eyes–he’s totally on drugs. LCD? Ha, more like L-S-D. Plus, the desperation of his constant friend hunt, makes you wonder…just what kind of “friend” is he really looking for?

bb006b_sa_02_bigThis bad guy bear from the Berenstein bears. Stripes mean trouble. Cases in point? The Hamburglar and Freddie, to name a few.

il_340x270-1060562338_ti5r

This guy may seem soft and lovable but if you ask me, he looks guilty. f97bc4de89b4a78c683eb93a08fdc98bYogi is a total trouble maker. Always stealing picnic baskets, trying to get with the ladies, causing scenes at the campground. I guess from this photo, at least we can guess he’s into ladies his age and species, unless that’s JUST A FRONT.

maxresdefault

Smokey the Bear is a major contender. He is always hanging out with kids. Look how his hands are hidden behind the children’s heads so they can’t be ID’d. He may pose as a good bear who is always putting out forest fires, but if someone is too good you especially have to watch out for ’em.

fozzie_bear

Fozzy Bear. Sure, he dresses like a hobo and I highly doubt that he’s employed. But I don’t know if he is guilty of touching kid’s butts. I just don’t want to believe it.

I think my money is on Teddy Ruxpin or the bad guy from Berenstein Bears. If you have any leads, please call 1-800-PAW-BUTT. All calls are anonymous, because the number is one I made up.

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