I don’t mean to brag or anything, but I’ve never gotten so many gifts in my life as I did when my son was born. Old friends came out of the woodwork to give us presents. Even strangers sent us mobiles, diapers and hand knit sweaters. It was really heartwarming and sweet and not expected and generous and gracious and took me by surprise and also, some people gave us really weird gifts. One lady gave us a talking toilet. It’s like, where are we, Japan, lady? Ha ha. We got 2 identical Misfits onesies (very cool, but still, unusual), a bouncy chair the size of a Volkswagen Bug that has so many different activities surrounding it, it looks like the driver’s seat to a space ship and a dog that is pre-programmed to say my son’s name, but it always says it like it’s always asking him a question? Like, Hey there (pause) Wyatt? Let’s play a game!
From these wonderful, kind gifts, I did some imagineering and came up with some baby toys and product pitches that have never existed and hopefully never will.
Little Tiny Tikes Talking Scale
It’s a talking baby scale, but one that tells you you’re a bad mom because your kid is underweight. It’s preprogrammed to say things like, “Maybe your breast milk doesn’t have enough calories, you should eat more ice cream”, “Try giving him some rice cereal”, and “You know, you were fed formula, it’s not poison” but in your mother’s voice.
Wee Wipes Terry Cloth Baby Towel
A baby towel that is not decorated with animal ears of some kind. Instead, these towels have large old man ears on them.
My Small One Baby Classics Book Series
A series of soft padded books including titles like, “The Little Catcher In The Rye” about a baby Holden and his hijinks, “The Unbearable Lightness of Being, for Babies” and “Nexus, Plexus and Sexus Go To The Market”.
I don’t know why anyone would want to have an ant farm. What if the ants got out? Is it fun to watch ants? If you really love ants that much, shouldn’t you set them free? But scabies on the other hand, they should be trapped in what is essentially your own private concentration camp, no? You could do things like, you know, starve them or shake them up or empty them out into someone you don’t like’s pudding.
Baby Booby Wipes
There are baby butt wipes, baby tooth and gum wipes, and tissues for baby’s nose and slobber, but why not baby booby wipes? After a child has a meal at the breast, you can wipe his mouth like a little aristocrat with a tiny boob napkin decorated with whales wearing top hats and monocles, dancing clown dogs smoking pipes or frogs playing the harpsichord.
BabyScope TM Child Binoculars
It sounds like these already exist, right? But no, these aren’t any old child binoculars. These are binoculars just for grandparents / mom-in-laws etc. to use to stare wistfully out the window when they know their grandchild is en route for a visit so they can get a glimpse of them from up to 2 miles away, before they even get out of the car.
MakeUp & Beauty Products For Infants By Mabelline’s Kid Line, Babelline
Maybe she was just-born with it? Maybe it’s Babelline. Tiny lipsticks, combs, eye shadows, jewelry, lotions, etc. all made with fair trade ingredients and chemical free dyes, “wink, wink”.
BabyFingers Finger Puppets
Tiny finger puppets sized just perfectly for baby fingers. Caution: This toy is a choking hazard. Do not let baby use unattended, or attended, or at all, OK?
The TellsYaWhat Baby Mom-itor
This product gathers information (also known as ‘spies on you’) using cameras and cross references the data using wifi access to hundreds of mom forums online to determine if your mothering skills are up to par, and reads judgmental comments to you to discourage you from doing whatever you’re doing that “could be dangerous”.
Coffee for babies! It’s got less caffeine than regular coffee but still some caffeine so that babies can act up all day but will then be so tired that they’ll surely ‘sleep through the night’. This product comes with a pin you can wear that says, “My baby sleeps through the night!” both so that people won’t ask you and so that you can impress people with the fact that you get to sleep, even if it’s not true.
To purchase any of these items, go to www.NonExistentBabyProducts.com.